Ingrates...

Okay, so when did my kids become the kind of whiny, bratty brats that demand stuff in stores and throw fits if they don't get the thing?

I spent three days this week cleaning- in only TWO ROOMS. Little J wanted a pink room, and big J wanted to paint her room. Big J already has a pink room. So, I said, thinking this would be easier (ha!), let's switch rooms and then I'll just paint one room.

If I had known the amount of cleaning and junk sorting that would entail, I would have waited until we eventually move out of this house and just drive through with a bulldozer. The stuff under the beds alone was phenomenal.

Then today we go to the post office/gift store and they want me to buy them a stuffed animal. Um, how much crap did I have to clean up? Nope, nope, and NO.

So, now Big J is whining and crying because she didn't get the stuffed animal. Sigh.

Some days I do not recommend to others that they have children. Keep your house nice, clean, quiet and NOT destroyed as long as possible, if you must have the little buggers.

Luckily, tomorrow Nana is coming to take them away while we go to Gary Farrell for wine and salmon and golf putting competition on the crush pad. Yum, yum, and Yummy!

Dirt...

It's amazing how dirty your house is when you start to clean it and really start noticing how bad it has gotten...

It's like that hardware store commercial where the lady puts in a new light dimmer and then the bright light illuminates all the other projects that need to be done...

Yard... mess.
House... mess.
Kitchen... real mess, with ant invasion to boot.

Dealt with the ants today. Tomorrow it's moving on to the other rooms.

Even killing ants is better than studying for the bar. Isn't that sad?

Now?...

First, thanks for the comments from everyone! Those were my thoughts exactly. It's nowhere near a tragedy- I've seen people who forgot to upload their essays before the deadline. I would call THAT a problem. Waiting a few months is not that big of a deal.

And, now that I've had time to adjust my mental state, I am simply relieved. I did not want to do this again right now. Now, I have a reason not to. Inadvertent as it was, the decision has been made for me.

This is actually how I have trended for the past year. I have studied for the bar twice, only to be slapped down by the point calculations. This has had a real effect on me, although it has crept up slowly over time.

During law school, I had no problem making decisions, no problem figuring out what I wanted to do, no problem going after what I wanted. Since then, I spend time while at work looking for other jobs as a hobby, but then when someone offers me one, I freak out and opt not to take it.

The slapping down part has really thrown me for a loop. I never did not succeed at something I decided to do, and not getting it has made me question and doubt every single decision, no matter how small or large. I don't know what kind of law I want to do, I don't know what kind of firm I might like to work for, I don't know what kind of schedule I'd be comfortable at, I just don't know anything anymore.

And my indecision has made it so every single thing that I am able to put off, I do. I don't go out in my garden at all, because I walk out there and it just seems like so much work, that to even get started makes me almost start to cry. So I go back in the house. I look at my bills to pay, and I don't know which stuff I should focus on or pay first, so I put it all off until the very last minute, until I absolutely have to pay it or I will get late fees. I look around at my house and think about all the things I'd like to do, such as paint or put up a light fixture or clean out the garage for a yard sale, and it's just... too... much.

So, it is really no surprise that I put off registering... and put it off... until the decision was made for me.

And now I can actually get a tan this summer. I can clean up the weeds taking over my yard. I can run through the sprinklers with my kids. I can sit on the patio in the backyard with a glass of wine and a book that is NOT a law book. I can finally do the tasks around the house I have been meaning to do for five years. I can go to the gym without it being "study time" while listening to law CDs. The list goes on and on.

The more I think about it, the more I think this may be the best mistake I have made in a long, long time...

July...

Um, I will not be taking the bar in July.

Know why?
My dumb ass thought the deadline was July 3. I looked at the site a month ago and checked for specifically what the deadline was.

Nope. It was two days ago. And there are no exceptions. (That's the deadline to get a REFUND.)

So, now I have no studying to do.

Not sure yet if that's good or bad. Certainly a relief not to have to go do it again.

My friend N (who is waiting until Feb to re-take) said 1) this is my subconscious telling me I don't want to take it in July anyway, and 2) if I can't even read the f***ing application right, then I have no business taking the exam in my brain-fried state anyway.

She may have a point.

Barzillas...

Weezy commented that many use bar prep as license to become unbearable, and simply blame bar study for their bad behavior.

I love this term, Barzillas. It's SOOO true.

The first time I actually caught that show Bridezillas on TV was actually a few days ago. I stared at it like the scene of an accident. I couldn't NOT look at it. Big J, my seven-year-old came in and started watching, too. After about ten minutes, she said, "Why is that lady acting like that? She's mean."

Exactly. I said, "Well, I guess people forget what they look like to others sometimes when they are thinking about getting what they want." She looked unconvinced.

The analogy has occurred to me before in law school. I mean, really, anything with the words "law school" or "wedding" attached to them seem to be cause to jack the price up a gazillion percent. The money I forked over for law school prep materials still depresses me, and I bought most things used.

Why should the bar be any different? Except now it's the state bar extracting money from us, instead of our law school. And, like the wedding day many women dream of their entire childhoods, women who are driven to succeed can allow the bar exam and the admittance day to become the single-most-important-day-of-their-lives, forgetting everything else in the process.

Sad. Very sad. I used to be the type who took lines very seriously. If I waited in line, it really annoyed me when someone would walk up and cut in front of me. I can understand the irritation with saved seats, because it's kind of the same thing. First come, first served, and if I got here first, I should be able to sit first.

But... and here's where I have actually gained some maturity. (Wow, when did that happen?) There are so many more important things in life than getting irritated over the little things. I have consciously tried not to become annoyed by stuff. Having toddlers is a great exercise for that. Oh no, the one-year-old had an explosion of poop while we are travelling and we are on our last outfit. Well, we can deal with it or we can laugh about it and stand in the parking lot of Claim Jumper trying to baby-wipe our kid clean while other parents walk by and snicker. (True story.) That's life, people. Try to enjoy it just a little bit. The good AND the less enjoyable.

Whenever I feel like this is unfair (the whole f***ing the bar stuff, twice no less) (yes, fail is the unmentionable word!), I think of this....

When Big J was about two, I was still trying to have her take naps, even though she had decided she didn't like naps. She was tired, but would stay awake in her crib, playing and singing, until I gave up and got her up. One day, she was singing and playing in there, so I went in to check on her. Well, apparently she had pooped, and in her two-year-old mind, thought, "I will be an artist!" She had fingerpainted with her poo all over the crib, all over the wall, all over her bedding, some had spread to the carpet area near the crib... We're talking disgusting. And it smelled awful.

So, I got the pleasure of spending the next three hours scrubbing mostly-dried poo off the kid, every spindle and nook and cranny on the crib, the wall, the carpet, etc. I think I gave up on the bedding and just threw it away. The whole time, I was thinking, "No one told me about THIS when I decided to become supermommy."

I was pretty happy to go to class that night. I think it was contracts. Contracts was never so fabulous as when I was learning it instead of scrubbing poo.

So, now if I feel life is unfair, I think back to that experience, and realize, "This is not so bad."

And that's why I vow never to become a Barzilla. Taking the bar is way better than scrubbing poop fingerpaint. Even taking it over.

PT...

Me and A will be going over a PT on Friday, which consists of trading answers and using the answers off baressays.com to compare our organization and analysis to the better scored answers.

Which means I have to actually do the PT.

Ew.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Fun...

Things I like and will miss about my job....

1. Writing legal arguments. I love those. Can't wait to have the stupid license to do it all the time. Case in point: the Settlement Conference Statement I'm doing right now. This case has been entertaining as hell, and has completely changed at least twice now, as we discover people now in jail and who were in jail and not doing what we thought they were when the incident happened. I wish I could tell you more, because it's basically a trailer trash jamboree, with the characters straight out of Cops.

2. My office, with its two walls of windows and view of greenery. So calming and soothing. Sigh.

3. My boss, who really is nice, despite being a attorney. ;) (Just kidding. He really is nice.)

4. The paycheck. The amount doesn't even matter, it's just the getting one. After a few years as a mommy only, the paycheck definitely makes you feel valuable again.

Hilarious...

Have you heard about the girl fight over a seat in Barbri? Brings me back to the super mature days of first year law school... I seem to remember someone asking me if I wanted to go out in the hall when I asked them to stop talking while I was briefing... hmmm, I think my 30's is too old to be going to the principal for getting in fights in school, but thanks anyway.

Here's the story, if you want to entertain yourself.

In my community property class, you would spend three hours with no outlet for your laptop if you were not sufficiently early to class. Did that mean I got all weird with people in my class? Hell, no. It's JUST class, for crying out loud.

And it's JUST Barbri, people. And, come on, if anyone should be well-acquainted with the consequences of not passing, it's me, and it's STILL not worth acting that way. You will not pass or fail the bar based on your seat in Barbri, even if you end up on the floor for lack of seats, like the first week of evidence at my school. (Wow, we had a lot of issues with classrooms when I was in law school.)

It's JUST THE BAR EXAM. I know it's tough, I know it's scary, believe me, I know there are all kinds of things riding on it, but you can't use it as an excuse to abandon your dignity and grace.

Sheesh.

Tired...

I think I may have been overdoing it. Couldn't even move this morning. Didn't go to camp. Got a grumpy e-mail from L, telling me what a flake I am. Had to reply with my apology for my flakiness.

It's just too much... work all week, kid stuff, husband stuff, get some studying in, go to prep class two hours away all day Saturday, then throw Father's Day party that ends up taking all day Sunday with the preparation, gifts, and then the party itself and cleaning up.

I'm utterly wiped out.

So I called in sick, and I'm sitting on the couch today doing torts. Kids are all happy, not having to get up early and go to daycare. I'm all happy, not having to do mind numbing stuff in an effort to appear busy all day when all I want to do is go over torts so I stop screwing up the details on MBEs. Most importantly, I am not required to move.

Confidence...

So, I have to say that this time around, I have a lot more confidence. Instead of approaching outlining an essay question with complete paralyzing fear, I look at it, immediately start seeing issues, and can put them in a nice logical order.

I think the anxiety has lessened A LOT. I think the intense pressure of "I have to pass. Everyone expects it of me." is now over. Now I just know that I know enough to pass, and I know I can write well enough to pass. I felt calm like this when I took the LSAT. The first time I took it, I was all stressed out and anxious. I wanted a good score like you wouldn't believe, and I didn't feel like I could really get one. I even cancelled my score I was so nervous about it. The second time I took it, I just wasn't worried about it. It was pretty much perfunctory to get into my law school, I did it years later, and consequently I did very well on it.

It would be nice if I could maintain this calm throughout the process.

I think Greg, the guy teaching my prep class is responsible for part of it. He is just very soothing and calming. He doesn't freak me out, and consequently, I am able to think, rather than feeling like I just don't know what the *right* answer is. I don't even really care what the right answer is. I just want to collect my points as best I can and move on.

Not sure how anyone else is feeling this time around, but maybe I'm just tired. Tired of being stressed out, or tired of worrying about it... Something like that.

That's not to say I'm not working on studying. I am, but it is just coming so much easier this time. I think the copious, and I do mean copious, memorizing I did for February helps. I still remember 3/4 of the elements without even going back to my flashcards, and the stuff I can't remember right away, I am not worried about, because I know I have the time and ability to memorize it, no problem.

Certainly I could do the same as last time again, and I'm aware of that. I'm just not panicked and fearful about it.

I'm thinking that's a good thing.

Bank II...

Now the funds are available in my account. Their ears must have been burning, because if they hold a check, it's usually not for only 24 hours, and I didn't call and yell at them about it.

Still switching. If they are that dumb, I need a new bank. Moving all my bill pay items will be quite a job. Sooooo not looking forward to that lengthy process.

Bank...

I hate my bank. And I don't mean that in the passive sense. I actually, actively HATE them. I deposit a check. They put a hold on it without bothering to inform me when I make the deposit. A paycheck, no less. One that I have been depositing every month for 6 months. Then, they seize the opportunity to charge me overdrafts on the transactions that come through in between the time that I made the deposit and when I found out they put an erroneous hold on my check. So, $25 in small transactions, such as a coffee from Starbucks, has now cost me over $30 EACH.

I'm switching banks. Right. Now.

Camp...

I am so tired after five days of workouts that all I want to do is take a nap at my desk.

Top Chef...

All I can say is... thank gawd.

Thought Lisa might actually win for a few minutes there. How can you just barely miss being the worst for three months and then win the entire competition? That would just be wrong.

Hanif...

If you don't know what Hanif is, let me start by saying I despise Hanif. Hanif is the reason I had a headache when I left work today, and part of the reason why I am glad I put in my notice already.

Hanif is a California case that basically says a plaintiff can only recover what was actually paid on their medical bills (as in, their insurance paid it, so the doctor wrote the bill down and accepted less from the insurance company). What this means for me is that our crazy plaintiff who has more than 30 medical providers forces me to spend 5 hours trying to figure out what has been billed, what has been paid, and what is and is not relevant to the incident at issue in the litigation. (This plaintiff, like many, sees lots and lots of doctors and has for years prior to this fender bender rear ender at five miles per hour that plaintiff claims has made it so she cannot work again, ever.) (I am not saying there are not deserving plaintiffs. There are many deserving plaintiffs, just not this one.)

And while I'm ranting about things I don't like, such as medical special calculations, let me spend just a moment on medical records. I despise medical records also. Usually they are handwritten and then photocopied several times, so a good portion is illegible. And, every medical provider seems to use different terminology in their billing notes, so for me, it is difficult, if not impossible, to figure out what has been written off as an insurance adjustment and what is still outstanding and what has actually been paid. Add to that the fact that sometimes there are different amounts in different areas of the records, and you have a real mess to sift through. While I respect that it's excellent billable activity, I'd be perfectly happy not ever doing another medical record summary in my entire career.

So, to make a long story short. I am glad that I have one more week before all I have to do is study, and not do both, even if I will be completely poor as a result.

Just sayin'.

Camp...

In keeping with CalBarNone's pledge to not let the bar exam rob him of his good health along with all the other things it tries to steal from us: our money, our dignity, our time, our SANITY...

But I digress... In keeping with the fitness trend, I am doing fitness boot camp along with my friend, L, who has already passed the bar, but is finding that her ass is expanding with every lunch out that she goes to with colleagues. (My ass is expanding exponentially with each bar exam I am forced to endure.)

It started last Monday. Monday was all right. Tuesday I thought I was actually going to have a heart attack. Wednesday I think I had a small stroke during the running part.

But I lived. I lived all week to experience my husband laughing and laughing every time I groaned after the slightest movement. Remember that "Friends" episode where Monica helps Chandler get in shape? Remember his "ow, ow, ow, ow, OW!" when lifting his arm to sip coffee? Yep. That was me.

And did I mention it starts at five friggin' thirty in the morning? What was I thinking? But, once through the first week, I am doing all right. My pants are slightly looser, which is better than they were before, and I can actually do all of the exercises, even the ones I struggled to do even one rep of last week. (The mere mention of squat thrusts still makes me shudder, though.) And, once I'm actually upright in the morning, the early rise is just fine.

So L is already talking about the next session, and how we need to sign up for it. She's all excited about getting up early to go sweat. And to think, it took me three weeks and the experience of not being able to button her pants to get her to agree to do it. And now, she's a friggin' disciple.

I'm so proud.

Faith...

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Essays...

So, I am working on my contracts issue outline. In the meantime, I am over being angry about my essays.

I thought about them for a couple of days, and went on to the cal bar website yesterday and looked at the sample answers. I saw that I lumped the strict liability elements in under duty, without parsing them out and making it abundantly clear that there were the separate elements and that I was discussing each in turn. Duh, that's where I lost probably 5 points.

On corporations, I knew that I had lumped the two parties together and smushed the discussion of their respective actions on making the company liable. Duh, there's five points.

On the Community Property question, I was kicking myself as soon as I walked out of the test, because I used the doctrine of quasi-marital property, explained what it is, but NEVER ACTUALLY USED THE WORDS. Duh, bet that was 3-5 points.

At first I was mad that I did just fine on the wills and trusts essay. After I looked at the sample answers, I realized that I do better when I actually know a little less about the subject area. Happened in law school, too. If all I know are the basic rules, then I'm forced to mechanically apply them to facts and hence, better grade. It's when I start thinking about all the eventualities that I run into problems. I start yammering too much and make it all too complicated. This isn't a problem at work, because I do a draft, do something else, then read it and pare down the language and focus the argument. Comes out great. But, alas, I do not have the luxury of any proofreading on the bar...

The other ones I did fine on, as I thought upon completing the test, so I'm not too worried about those.

So I have had some kind of mental epiphany (which I probably should have had, oh, maybe last June) where I *get* that I have to parse everything out in a very mechanical and super boring and tedious manner, and cover at the same time. Now, this is really nothing new. I mean, we've all heard that before, but I *saw* it, whereas before I thought that I was doing that, when I really wasn't. Now I'm mostly doing that, and so it's easier to see where I falter in that method.

So, essays are really, really fine. Just need to apply that same method to the PT. Don't make choices. Don't leave out any case, no matter how it seems to be the wrong thing to use if I were in the real world. Don't do any more than the directions, and don't do any less than the directions. Make the headers super detailed and super clear.

Oh, and do lots of MBEs. (By a lot, I actually mean not that many, but make and study flashcards for recall during the test.)

This is really getting to be quite a lot of work.

Wine...

So, I just read an article that Constellation will be selling Gary Farrell. I hope this doesn't mean the demise of the brand... The article says it will be taken over by the guy from Beam (another giant corporation, but at least one that's from the Bay Area.)

Hmmm... hope he doesn't mess with my favorite wines.

But, they good news MAY be, that since Constellation was doing away with some of our favorites, like the GF Cabernet Sauvignon (my husband's single favorite wine) in an effort to streamline the brand to mainly Pinot Noirs, maybe this means there will be some expansion of the book. Oh, that would be FABULOUS! I can't imagine a GF offering that I would not enjoy. Or, I guess I should say Susan Reed, since she's firmly at the winemaker helm these days over there.

Also of note, I heard a rumor that Gary will be starting up a new boutique winery. Apparently the $16 million he made off selling the winery was not enough to keep him from wanting to make wine again. Although he sold his name, it's still GARY FARRELL, baby! Lucky us! I'll sign up for THAT wine club ASAP. Here's the Wine Spectator article.

Okay, enough screwing around. Back to contracts... Then maybe if I get my eleven points I can afford to go buy some deliciousness for myself.

Simplicity...

"Simplicity is the outward sign and symbol of depth of thought."

~Lin Yuang

I really wish I could get enough depth of thought, then.

Graduation...

Today I am attending the next graduation of my law school. I wouldn't go, except my good friend, A, will be graduating today. Yay!

Then I get to go see the Poets and Pirates Tour with one of my oldest friends from high school. (Crimony, I still hang out with people I knew in high school? Yup.) So, that will be great. Sit, drink, sing, not have to worry about anything, that's a good Sunday evening.

So, in a way, I guess I might experience a wash of failure at sitting through graduation having not passed yet, but this past week really put things in perspective for me. Also, the relief of having time has washed over me, so I think that trumps all other feelings of misery.

I was sitting through class yesterday, and yes, I was nervously thinking of the lengthy list of what I needed to get done before the THREE DAYS, but also, I was relieved, because this time I will actually have the luxury of time. Time to learn what I need to do without feeling like I need to do it as quickly as possible so I can still clean up the kitchen and make the kids lunches and make it to work on time and do laundry and all the other regular life stuff.

I just feel like I have given myself a gift now. Permission to do what I need to. Permission to take time.

I have been struggling to not feel guilty about it, because of the inherent mom orientation of wanting to take care of everyone else and leaving myself last, but I'm working diligently to quash those feelings of guilt every time they begin to arise. It's okay if I don't contribute a salary while studying. It's okay if I don't have a clean house. It's okay if I take the time I need to study. It's okay if I take the time and money to protect my health and sanity. All of these things are perfectly okay.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to do these things for myself, when I would tell any one of my friends those same things and mean them wholeheartedly. I guess it's easier to be generous and compassionate with others than it is yourself, when you're used to being a perfectionist overachiever.

Oh, dear god, Paula Deen is eating a breakfast sandwich that is two Krispy Creme doughnuts with a fried egg and bacon on it. Talk about a heart attack on a plate. Actually, it looks kind of good... Everything is better with doughnuts, right?

I think it's time to turn FoodTV off.

Faith...

"It would break my heart if, in falling short of my goal, I in any way discouraged any of you from pursuing yours," she said. "When you stumble, keep faith. And, when you're knocked down, get right back up and never listen to anyone who says you can't or shouldn't go on."

~Hillary Clinton (in her nomination concession speech)

I try not to get on a politics soapbox, so this is not an endorsement in any way, but I like this quote. It seems fitting for me right now. Keep the faith, everyone!

Mush...

Went to class all day...

brain is now mush.

Did okay for the morning, but I didn't eat anything at the lunch break, so after two hours of Con Law and Property in the afternoon, I was dizzy and couldn't see straight. Can I just say how much I despise Con Law? It's not even that it's THAT hard, it just brings back memories of the teacher I hated and the contentious arrogant people who were in my class... that was just a horrible year of class.

So now, I suck at Con Law as a result.

Property, on the other hand, I loved, but the lecture consisted of going over a really, really difficult real covenants and equitable servitudes question that makes my brain turn in circles.

But I did learn a few things, such as how I need to address my inadequacies at the more linear subjects like contracts. I'm going to do my own timeline, plugging in where every single little rule and doctrine goes, so when I get an essay, I have the visual breakdown, in order, in my head. My problem on organization is that I know the rules, but it doesn't seem like it, because I tend to say each rule as they come to me, not necessarily in the order they are supposed to go, as in, UCC 2-207 goes under acceptance, not interpretation of the contract terms.

I'm sure this is nothing new, and I could probably find some kind of study aid that does this for me, but the act of doing it and synthesizing the issues is the important part for me. That's how I learn it.

Oh, and I got my essays back from the February debacle, and I started reading them, and I just didn't get what was so bad about my torts essay. Seemed like I covered the issues, and in the proper order. I think I just lost holistic points because my language is not strong enough. I like to say "likely" and "may" and "could" instead of "will" and "is".

Ironically, I do the best on the subjects I know the least, like crim pro and trusts and wills. Trusts I did not study at all, except for checking the duties of a trustee five minutes before I walked to the testing center Thursday morning in February, and I did well on that essay. Same for crim pro, although I did actually study that (for MBEs, mainly.)

Not sure what that means. That's been true for me all through law school. I think if I just have a few rules, I tend to simply apply them in straightforward, clear language without making it more complicated and doing what I think I'm *supposed* to do, whatever that is. Sigh. Apparently more knowledge is dangerous for me.

Ah...

So, I drank a glass of wine, ate dinner with my family, looked at my finances, and this is all doable.

Two weeks more here, but my boss is on vacation next week, so really one more week. Next week I can do some studying in between medical records and carrier reports, since there's really nothing else going on.

Then it's go time. So far, this is the study plan.

M-W-F a.m. session: study one PT. This entails doing a PT up to a good outline (+/- 1 hour). Then, get out the graded answers for that PT from baressays.com and analyze what makes a 65, 70, 75, and 80 answer. What needs to be included, what should be glossed over, you get the picture. My main problem is I keep chunking one PT. I think it's a combination of reasons: 1) the time limit. I'm used to doing a bunch of other things at work and being able to drop something and come back later after it has gelled a bit, and there's no time for that on the PT, and 2) I tend to make tactical decisions, as I would in real life. I suspect this is a no-no on the bar. Like with essays, you address everything, even stuff that really is dumb to go through, just so you show that you went through all that and dismissed it mentally. I tend to write a document and purposely leave out certain things because of who the client is, what the causes of action are, etc.

T-Th a.m. session: Two-three practice essays. I've done so many essays between the last two times of studying that my only goal is to keep my practice up. In order to make this quick to get through logistically, I will probably just work my way through the Cheat Sheets book, doing all of those. When those run out, I'll go through the more recent ones on baressays.com. I plan on using the daylights out of that site. I am a visual learner and the way I got ready for exams all through law school was to do my outline, and then procure old exams and take them, reading the sample answer from someone who got a good score. Luckily, my school made them available in the library, because that allowed me to see what the instructor thought was a good essay and how they preferred to have answers phrased. I'm certain it got me graduating with honors, when I might not have otherwise.

T-W-Th- F p.m. session: MBEs. And not taking lots and lots of questions, but going methodically through and reading the question one at a time and making a flashcard for the right reasoning for the correct answer. This takes a LOT of time, as I am already finding. But, I actually remember the question and the reason for it, unlike the past, where they get all muddled in my brain and I can't remember what I put last time or whether I got it right last time.

Mon p.m. session: a set of MBEs for practice. Probably 50 at a time. I have no problem with speed, so I'm not worried about that. Just want to get some practice in answering consecutively and in random subject order and check my percentages.

Saturdays I am doing my bar prep class over that I took in January.

So, we'll see. I just need eleven more points. Eleven. More. Points.

Wine...

Screw it. My day has completely sucked, and I think I cried five times... every time I thought about that interview yesterday and breaking the quittin' news to my boss this morning.

I'm opening wine.

Pinot. Definitely Pinot.

Top Chef...

Yup. Almost had a heart attack when Dale (don't even get me started on how lame he is) left the pork belly out all night and they were freaking out about what to do for the third dish.

But, that's my girl, Stephanie! She came up (I guess Dale helped, but he SHOULD, after the way he f'd up) with a fabulous dish to replace it.

And what is up with that Lisa chick? I HATE her. And then her ridiculous, "I know you're bummed Antonia is gone, but you COULD congratulate me." Um, why? Richard said it best, with "Hey, you won a bronze medal. Big deal."

Oh, and can I say how excited I am that Flipping Out is coming back after Top Chef is over? I don't know why, but I watch that show and alternate between laughing out loud and staring in open-mouthed shock every single episode. It's fabulous. If you haven't seen it, you must watch.

Decisions II...

Well, I did cry today.

Came to work, and as soon as I was able, I went in and gave my notice. After actually saying *IT*... that I just can't do a good job at work and do a good focused job at studying at the same time, I started to cry. Had to go in the bathroom to calm myself down. (Although I've been teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown ever since results, so the waterworks are actually quite delayed in arriving.)

It's admitting the failure. Admitting that I can't do it all. I think that's why it's so hard.

But I also know I can't go through what I went through the last two times yet again. It's mentally exhausting. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, and I don't even know how I did it.

I just can't shake that feeling of "WTF?!" that I got yesterday when the partner was pointing out that I graduated with honors, made law review, was on moot court, where we became mini-celebrities by kicking ass at the competition, clerked at great firms, and now all that's missing is the card.

And thinking that I've gone a year and I'm no better off than I was post-graduation is just depressing. I know in actuality that's not true, because I now have a year of great practical experience, but it feels like everyone else has moved on and I have stayed the same.

So, no more. I'm not going to do the same thing again and expect a different result. That would just be stupid. I'm going to do what I planned on doing last summer before I got caught up in having an actual job and paying the bills. Sure, paying the bills is great, but this summer we're in a financial position to actually take the summer off, so I would be a fool not to.

So that's that.

Decisions...

I almost cried in an interview today.

Well, I should clarify that. I wanted to cry in an interview.

That's never happened before.

So, I applied for this paralegal position. Met with HR lady yesterday. She liked me, and set up an interview today with the partner. Partner asks me a few questions, and then basically stops the interview and tells me he thinks he would be doing me a disservice by hiring me for this job that, while I could certainly do it, I was not cut out for. He said he was interested in hiring me, but as an attorney, not a paralegal. Then he started saying that I didn't go through all of law school, do extracurriculars, get scholarships, do law review, only to be a paralegal.

Ouch. Did my dad just start talking? I think I even said my dad said the same thing.

So, the whole thing went from interview to pseudo-therapy session, where he advised me to do whatever I needed to do to get ready for July, and call him WHEN I passed the bar, not if.

So, that was eye opening. Someone I don't even know is telling me what they think is the best thing to do... definitely brings everything into stark reality.

So, this evening I will be looking at my bank account and trying to figure out if there's any way at all I can make it the next couple of months without a salary. It does help that my salary isn't all that much and half of it gets eaten up by daycare, which would go away if I was at home all day.

Of course then I have to get the okay from the hubby on quitting. Not sure how well that would go over at all.

To Job Or Not To Job...

So, here's my quandry...

I have a job, where I was hired to be an "associate." I was hired pending bar results. The person I replaced was there for thirteen years and had no interest in appearances or signing pleadings. Essentially this person was a paralegal with a JD, even though license was in hand. (I also am basically a paralegal and even though I will be called an associate post-licensing, that simply means a change in title and a very slight raise.)

When I didn't pass, my boss was not pleased, but he's very nice and understanding, kind of like my surrogate dad, and so he supported me in the second time around.

This time, I was not fired for non-passage (I prefer not to use the F word), but I'm concerned that he is thinking about it and I'm really worried the axe will come immediately before the 3 days in July, which will throw me into an emotional tailspin. I should mention that I really believe he is pleased with my work overall and the fact that I have been there a year and learned his quirks is definitely in my favor right now.

So, as a hobby, I apply for jobs. Kind of like the professional version of retail therapy... I think I like the thrill of someone calling me for an interview. "They like me, they really like me!" Definitely an ego boost when this whole year has been one big downer.

I turned down two jobs prior to bar results, thinking there was a good chance I passed and it would be fatalistic to take a paralegal position just because I was afraid of the possibility of not passing.

However now that has not occurred. I didn't pass. So, after applying to every job that shows up in my area that I am even remotely qualified for, I will be interviewing with a very well-respected firm in town- for a litigation paralegal position (which would be full-time rather than the 30 hours per week I work now.)

So, even though initially I got the thrill of "Yay me! They like me enough to talk to me." Now the issue becomes, should I leave? Should I go to full time? Should I settle for the paralegal position? Or, should I say screw it and quit my job cold turkey and study full-time all summer (instead of the wanky part-time studying that I am currently doing) so I can get this crap over with already and get my stupid card.

Something has happened to me over the past year. Somewhere between law student and law school graduate, I lost my decisiveness. I am constantly paralyzed with indecision, having no idea what is the right thing to do.

To job or not to job... and which job... that is the question....