Laziness...

"It takes a long time to bring excellence to maturity"
~Syrus

So, I have lofty goals, but I have not been achieving them.

The last two times, I was diligent. I studied. I put in the time. I learned what I needed to learn. And then it didn't pay off. Twice. So, getting up the energy and excitement to go through that process again is proving exceedingly difficult.

I have studied not one iota today.

Instead, I went to littel J's kindergarten readiness testing, the bank, the grocery store, washed the car, drank two glasses of wine while I chatted with my dad, and now we are having a friend over to dinner, after which we will drink more wine and play poker until the kids wear out and need to go to bed.

Not exactly bar passage behavior.

But, jeez, the other way didn't work, and I still know all the same crap I knew in February, minus some slight memorization that I can't get back until a week or two prior anyway, and there was not a thing on that exam that I didn't know in February, so it's tough... REALLY tough, to get going.

This must be why repeaters have such a hard time passing compared to first timers.

MBEs...

Ugh!

This sucks. Completely. I have no incentive to study whatsoever. It is definitely slow going. I did nothing at all yesterday.

Oh well... one flashcard at a time. That's all we ask.

Oh, and did I mention how much I hate the Strategies and Tactics authors? The intro section talks all about how to approach the test. (I figured I needed to read it since apparently I didn't approach correctly or I'd be past this dumb test.) They say, in all seriousness, real property questions are much harder and most people are better off focusing on the *easy* con law questions because you can get those right... Well, I must be some kind of defective because I never get more than 57% of the con law questions right, even though I studied the daylights out of them to get my score on that topic up. Easy my ***. I'll take a future interests question any day. THOSE suckers I can get right on about 85% of the time.

I think that's enough complaining for today... back to *easy* con law questions and flashcarding.

Top Chef...

Stephanie is still my girl. Don't care if she can't butcher aged beef.

A woman Top Chef. It's about time.

Lunch...

I get lunch out, purchased by my boss. Yay!

Of course, I had to have a birthday to get it, but still. Eating lunch at a restaurant for grownups is still better than working on my settlement conference statement for an hour... Plus L is taking me out to dinner tonight for my B-day, too!

This is the last week of free eating until boot camp starts.

Yep, doing boot camp. Fitness boot camp, that is. Just like the one on The Real Housewives of Orange County. I need to lose the inches that have accumulated with each bar exam...

MBEs still suck. The Barbri ones are the worst, too. Really bad questions. I didn't see a single one on the February MBE that was like any of those Barbri workbook ones.

But, alas, my Strategies and Tactics replacement book has not come yet, so I'm stuck with Barbri until I get that or the next time I see A, who has my PMBR stuff right now...

Irritation...

So, the inevitable happened. An argument over household chores turned into an accusation by my husband in the form of, "Why are you so mad all the time?"

First of all, that's not true. Secondly, I have been irritable since bar results, but it seems to me that's a fairly normal reaction. As in, last night at 10:00, I sat down to study some MBEs and a lengthy discussion ensues. Hey, I just want to get through some studying before I go to bed. Maybe this discussion could be had some other time. But that isn't a good enough response, and the discussion continues for another half an hour.... tick, tock, tick, tock... so, yeah I start getting irritable and bitchy. Hey, maybe this is why I haven't passed the damn exam yet. Ya think?

So, tonight, while my husband is ostensibly cleaning the kitchen after dinner, and I'm thinking I can sit down and do some studying before it gets late and I'm tired, Little J tracks dog poo onto the carpet from the back yard. Lovely. So, I get out the steam cleaner and get the dog poo out of the carpet. Then I do some laundry. Then I bathe both kids. Then I get them ready for bed and their hair combed out, teeth brushed. Then I look at the time and it's 10:00 at night again and my husband is sitting on the couch, wondering why I'm not doing enough for him (when the kitchen is half cleaned.)

So, at this point, yeah, I'm a little irritated. That doesn't mean I'm mad all the time. He went to his guys' poker night Friday and I had the kids. No problem. He went for a bike ride yesterday and wanted to do work on his class he's teaching and I had the kids. No problem. He wanted to invite people to dinner at 4:30 yesterday afternoon (and I ran to the store and got ready to entertain, stat). No problem. He went to get do errands this morning and I had the kids. No problem. But, all of a sudden, when I expect him to follow through on one thing, I'm a bitch.

No, I don't think so. You can't be lazy about finishing stuff you start and then make offensive comments and expect nothing in return. This is just a continuation of the complete battle that law school was. Every single time finals rolled around, there was an argument about how I was demanding and obnoxious. And I kept thinking that it would be nice when law school was over, because I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore.

Enter the bar exam. Spring of my last year, my husband, who always said he had no interest in practicing law, decides to announce he's taking the bar, too. Excuse me? How is that going to work? And how does that not make this whole thing about a billion times harder for me, who just got a job that depends on me passing the bar? And don't even get me started on how that is just f***ed up. You know I want to practice, and need to pass, yet you can't just step aside for a couple of months and help me achieve my ultimate goal. Like maybe planning on taking it after I'm through it? Instead, you have to jump in and make it all about you and how you are doing this, too. Even though it doesn't matter at all if you take/pass the bar for your job.

So last summer, instead of just focusing on the bar exam, I was forced to share bar prep materials and constantly trying to figure out how to get someone to watch the kids. When I couldn't get anyone to watch the kids, I was forced to study in the living room with them, while my husband studied in the bedroom with the door closed.

Of course, then neither of us passed, and we had to do that all over again.

And now, he has passed, and I saw that he has already been emailing my friends to tell them they need to talk me into taking it again.

Well, if he wants me to take the exam again, so much so that he's mentioning to my friends that they need to encourage me to do it, then why can't he put the self-centeredness on pause for long enough to actually be the kind of supportive partner that is necessary for me to get this thing done already? I just do not understand what he is thinking here. Maybe it is man thinking that I just don't understand, but having gone through law school and bar prep himself, you'd think he'd get it just a teeny, tiny bit.

Anyway, that's been my weekend. I just had this sudden clarity that there's no way I'm going to get any help or leeway whatsoever from my spouse. And that thought is just sad to me.

I know it's just a test. And I know it's not the end of the world. And I know I might be able to get it done without help from him, with the status quo continuing as usual, but it would sure be nice to have my husband, who understands what I'm doing here, say, "Hey, I know this sucks, but I'll do what I can to help you." And then follow through. Even if the things I ask seem stupid, like finishing cleaning the kitchen.

Tomorrow's Dreams...

"Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams."

~unknown

This is my mantra of the day. Sitting around having a pity party is not going to get me ten more points. Working will. Being efficient will. Studying smart, not hard, will. Learning to relax will.

Just sayin'.

Pebbles...

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.

~Author Unknown

I started studying MBEs last night. It sucked hard core, and this morning I just wanted to cry when I got to work.

But enough whining. My strategy this time, since I'd like to get 10-15 more raw points on the MBE, is to go through the questions methodically, and make my own MBE flashcards. This entails reading the question, reading the answers, going immediately to the answer key and reading all the explanations, and then making a flashcard that epitomizes what the question is testing and what rule the question is looking for me to conjure up.

My main problem is that I know the rules, but when faced with weird answer choices that seem like they don't answer the question, then I am stumped and am forced to guess. And I always guess wrong. On the February bar, I distinctly remember a question where a guy injured a woman by hitting her with his car. She had to have a kidney transplant because of her injuries. Her mother donated a kidney. The question asked under what circumstances would the guy be liable to the mother.

I looked at that question for probably three minutes during the test. Hell if I knew... it just didn't make any sense. My husband, who is far better at the MBE than me, said that it turned on the answer choice that said something like, "if he owed a duty to the mother." To me, that's a weird answer. Maybe because I do tort law for a living, I think there are so many factors involved in that question that I need more information and I can't answer that question based on three sentences of a fact pattern.

Therein lies my problem on the MBE. My husband says I overthink it. I'm sure he's right.

Thus, the flashcards. Last time, I sat for hours and hours with my conviser, actively condensing information into bits that I could remember later. When I got down to my two week mark, I started memorizing by repeating them over and over while walking on the treadmill. It sucked, but it sure did work, and on the essays, I knew the rule statements off my flashcards cold.

So, I figure, worked for the essays, the repetition of doing it this way has to work on the MBE. Even if I don't get through every kind of question there is, if I have 300-500 cards completely memorized, that could easily get me the extra points I'm looking for. I know my essays are there. I just need to refresh.

Then there's the PT. Not sure what to do with that, except maybe stop worrying about it. The more I try to follow advice and do the PT a "certain way", the worse my scores on them become. Who knows. I'll get to that when I get to it. For now, I've made a plan, and I'm workin' my plan.

Achievement...

"My Mother drew a distinction between achievement and success. She said that 'achievement is the knowledge that you have studied and worked hard and done the best that is in you. Success is being praised by others, and that's nice, too, but not as important or satisfying. Always aim for achievement and forget about success.'"

Helen Hayes (1900-1993)

I think this sums up how I feel about February's bar exam. I know that I studied and worked hard and did the best that was in me. The randomness of the grading system is beyond my control.

In case you don't know who Helen Hayes is, she was an incredibly successful actress who followed in her mother's creative footsteps, also an actress. She is the only actress to ever win every major entertainment award, emmy, oscar, tony, and grammy. She also started a wildflower foundation for nature preservation with Lady Bird Johnson. She lost a child to polio, and died at the ripe old age of 93.

So, I'm aiming for achievement, and forgetting about the rest.

My list of potential actual achievements:
Little J refraining from using her clothes as a napkin.
Big J refraining from crying in frustration and practicing 'our' motto "Try, Don't Cry."
Getting through fitness boot camp next month with my friend, L.
Not gaining any weight during the third round of the Bar.
Actually (gasp) losing weight this summer.
Learning to relax.
Spending time with friends that I have ignored during the law school years.
Learning to read for pleasure again.
Getting my garden back in shape so I actually want to go out there.

Enthusiasm....

Success is not final, failure is not final. It is the courage to continue that counts.

-Sir Winston Churchill

Ten Points...

I booked my hotel. Luckily, I had a voucher from the kind people at Expedia, and not only was I able to get a nice hotel room for $31, but they also are doing a promotion right now that gets me a $50 gas card for booking a summer hotel room. Not exactly the vacation I would prefer to take, but whatever. Ya gotta do what you gotta do.

I also talked to my bar prep instructor yesterday. Basically, after going over my scores with me, she said that she thought I could have taken a different bar with the exact same preparation I did last time and could have passed no problem. She said I just need to get *my* bar.

She's probably right.

Incidentally, I do feel the need mention that the bar review class that I broke down and took in January was absolutely the most appropriate class for me to take. I did not take Barbri, or PMBR, or any other big name prep course the first time around. I got a set of Barbri materials, a set of PMBR books, assembled various CD lectures, including sum and substance, law school legends, and the PMBR CD's, and Whitney Roberts' Cheat Sheets in Action book, and I went to town trying to do it all by myself.

Even though I did not pass in July, I now think it was because I cannot say no. What I mean by that is, I started a two new jobs, and continued my one part-time job, so I was working three jobs during last summer that amounted to 40+ hours a week. And I was learning two of those jobs at the same time as studying. I also had a 4 year old and a six year old, and my husband was working full time and studying for the bar as well. When I think about it now, I realize how ridiculously crazy that was. But, in all honestly, it was simply a continuation of what I had done all through law school so it didn't seem that bad at the time.

But, I was exhausted. I'm exhausted now just thinking about it. The logistical nightmare of figuring out what to do with two kids, one of whom goes to her dad's house an hour away semi-regularly, and the other who is very firmly attached to mom and does not like to be shuffled off to a babysitter, was neverending. I could barely remember where my kids were, much less perfect rule statements.

So, after that chaos, I decided I was doing what I needed to do for *me* in January. I loved Whitney's book, so I got on her website and found that she had an essay writing class that I could even do while working, so I signed up. So glad I did. Even having not passed this time because of ten stupid points on my one botched PT, I am glad I took her class. Reading the book is one thing, but sitting in class one day a week just made it all so clear. And their feedback on essays was initially very demoralizing, but I quickly saw the *right* way to do things and was able to get a grip on what I needed to do.

And, I am guessing unlike Barbri students who don't pass, Whitney went over my scores with me over the phone and gave me her assessment of what she thought, which wasn't far off from what I thought after seeing my scores.

So, I cannot say enough good things about The Bar Code. They are fabulous. And I will absolutely apply the Cheat Sheets to every single bar essay in July. My one caveat is that, while I also took the PT seminar, that class was way too long for that span of information covered. It could have been one full day and I could have saved the two hour drive to the class on the second day.

So, here's to July and ten more points.

new mantra...

"Life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

Thomas A. Edison

I think my goal over the next couple of months is to keep my motivation up and not let discouragement overcome the fact that I KNOW I know enough that I should have already passed this exam. I know the law. I know I can do the job. And do it well. I know this because I do it. Every day.

So, a few times a week, or every day if I have to, I will be collecting quotations to keep me motivated and not lose my edge on this thing.

Enjoy. And, more importantly, don't give up.

feeling better... and worse

Well, I was feeling much worse this morning.... you know the drill... failed bar exam twice. Most everyone I know didn't fail it twice. Must be something wrong with me, blah blah blah...

But then I got a call from A. A is a year behind me in law school and has just started studying for the July Bar. I had to explain I didn't pass, and she commiserated, but in a good way. Not sure how, but A manages to make me feel better about myself every time I feel down. She's just super supportive, and she even commuted two hours to school every single day to boot, so I have respect and admiration for her stamina in getting to the law school finish line. Also, as another woman who has gone through law school with a kid, she knows what a unique challenge that is. Before any men get their nose bent out of shape over that, I am not claiming everyone does not have challenges, but being mommy is not the same as being daddy. At the February bar, I was seated next to this guy who was super nice. He saw my photo of the kids on my desktop when I turned on my computer, and asked about them. I told him my husband was across the room, back testing again, and he commiserated. He had missed by 12 points last July. I asked about how it had been with kids, because his were the same age as mine. He said, "well, they were disappointed that I had to do all that studying again, but since I'm dad, I can disappear into the other room and it's not the calamity that mom being gone would be. My wife was able to take over so much that getting time to study wasn't really an issue." He has a point there. During both times of bar study, my husband would disappear in the bedroom, and I usually studied in the living room, since there is no other available spot in our house, and my laptop is more portable than my husband's PC. Most of the time, that meant I was blocking out the sound of My Little Pony or High School Musical 2 playing on the TV while I did MBEs. My husband was in the bedroom with the door closed. Such is the biological differences that occur between the sexes.

But I digress... A is now scared. She says that if I can't pass, she's not even sure she should bother with the exam. It's funny, though. No matter how much not passing again sucks, I still think she should study and take the exam in July. I just think the whole thing is so random that there's no reason to give up, just because it's more difficult for some to get past this barrier.

And, lo and behold, my husband calls a few minutes ago. He had just hung up with an old friend of ours who graduated from law school with him. She was lucky enough to pass on the first try, and she congratulated him on passing. Then she mentioned that she did a stint as a bar grader and reaffirmed how random the process is. She was grading exams, thinking, "hell, I don't know if this exam is better than this one." Ah ha! I knew it. I mean really... To get an 85 on the first read, and then a 55 on a second read is just ridiculous, and that's just what I saw with the scoring my husband received on one essay from last July. There is absolutely no way that an essay could score either an 85 or a 55 and for both of those scores to be a legitimate, honest assessment.

So, A said that god is testing me, and even though I am an atheist, I don't have a better explanation for this turn of events, and that actually makes me feel better, somehow. So, thanks A.

Of course, she also asked if you are barred from taking the exam while drunk. In all seriousness (see how this experience has made me lose my sense of humor?) I replied, well, I think you can't be visibly intoxicated, but how are they going to know if you have a margarita at lunch? So, we agreed if we really needed it to soothe our nerves, that's exactly what we might resort to in July.

Cheers to Round 3.

Freedumb...

Well, the agony of waiting is over, but now the new agony of whether to take it again has started.

I had decided, and told everyone I know, that there was no way I would take the bar again in July if I didn't pass. Of course, my husband did pass (on his third try), and my dad called as soon as he heard and gave me a guilt trip about how I just have to take it again. My husband agreed.

Um, why?

Well, I guess I can see the point they're making. If I wait, I will forget stuff. Right now I remember almost everything verbatim. Substantive review would not be an issue.

In November, my paper came on Saturday, so I had the benefit of my scores right away. Today that didn't happen, so until Monday, I am left to guess at how close (or far) I came to 1440. I honestly believe I must have been damn close. There wasn't anything on that exam that I didn't know.

I know not passing is upsetting, and I know that I probably should be upset, but I'm not all that upset. In November, I was shocked and upset, and demoralized. I guess this time around, I am just more philosphical about it. Hey, it's a test. Graded by a whole bunch of people who don't know me. It's not personal. It doesn't mean I'm stupid. It actually doesn't mean much of anything, except that I can't have my magic card yet.

But, I would be lying if I said there weren't serious barriers keeping me from signing up for July right away. The $600 test fee is certainly one of them. I just feel like I've been throwing money at the California Bar for so long.... and for me, everything I have spent was multiplied by two, since my husband took it in July, and then had to repeat in February. That's two test fees (with laptop costs), two hotel rooms (trust me, sharing a room with someone who wants to study until 4:00 a.m. was not an option for me when I wanted to go to bed at 8:00 and get up to study at 4:00), and two sets of study materials. Then there's childcare, and the time off of work. At the last minute, I was forced to take that time without pay, which threw a whole financial crisis into the middle of bar prep. (I'm actually surprised I didn't completely lose my mind during that time, now that I think about it.)

Then add on the fact that I have two kids. The hassle of finding someone to take them when I wanted to study was neverending. And at age 5, little J was simply not having it. Their behavior was awful during bar study. And honestly, I don't blame them. I didn't like it, and I was making the choice to do it. They were having it inflicted upon them. And, let's be honest, the responsibility of finding childcare falls on me in our house. Daddy did none of that stuff.

God, I'm tired just thinking about it. No wonder I was so exhausted for the last year.

I think my problem, with life in general, is that if someone gives me advice, and it sounds objectively like a good idea, then I do it. That's why I went to law school, for sure. It wasn't because I wanted to be a lawyer. I never had lofty goals of arguing in front of the Supreme Court. I think my main goal was to have a plan and a path that I could pursue while I was a stay-at-home mom. While I really, really wanted to be the one to take care of my children, I also didn't like the idea of being completely out of the workforce for five or more years. I guess I just wanted job security. Since my husband said, "hey, law school is a good idea", that's what I did.

So, now the question is, do I have the desire to actually practice law? Not really. Do I want to make my own schedule, be my own boss, and be able to be there for my kids when they need me? Yup. Is being a lawyer one way to get there? Maybe/Probably.

So, while I'm not sure it's what I *want* to do, I'm reasonably certain that it's what I will do. Because I have always done what is expected of me. I've always done what I should. And I really can't come up with a reason not to re-take, except that I don't want to.

So, for the next six months, I will likely be continuing my journey... bring valium, wine, snacks, whatever gets ya through...

Ugh!

One more day....



I feel like throwing up......

Weekend...

So in my effort to avoid thinking about the big day on Friday, I suggested we take the kids somewhere last Saturday. And by somewhere, I did not mean the hardware store to get replacement sprinkler heads, or Target to buy supplies for the week. By noon on Saturday, we finally got down to two choices, the Aquarium or the Exploratorium. The kids picked the Exploratorium.

Not exactly what I would have chosen, but they sure did have fun. All three of them, the 40 year old, the 7 year old, and the 5 year old. I must confess, science stuff just bores me to tears. Yeah, the sand always drips through those little holes the same way. Fascinating. It's just sand. Can we move on after looking at the sand for 25 minutes?

I think the aversion to science stems from my first year in college, when I took physics and worked and worked and had my engineer brother tutor me and I still got a C+. It was demoralizing and I hated it. Since then, I figure, I suck at it, so why waste my time?

However, I do not wish to pass on my fears and phobias to my kids. Kind of like when I get a paper towel and squish the spider in their room and act like it's no big deal when really I want to close the door to their room and wait until daddy gets home and make him do it rather than risk touching the spider, who scares me to death.

So, we went. Kids had a blast. Hubby got to eat a bunch of junk at the snack bar. Then mommy got to avoid having to cook dinner because we went to an actual restaurant. Ah, the bliss of someone bringing you things you ask for.

So, to commemorate our day at the Exploratorium, hubby took this fabulous picture of little J at the bike wheel exhibit, where he got stuck for 25 minutes watching the wheels turn and turn and turn... come to think of it, designing with sand wasn't so bad....

Top Chef...

So, I am thoroughly enjoying this season of Top Chef. I was much less enthused last season when Hung won, because he was so annoying and such an a**. I was so mad when he won I vowed not to watch anymore.

My love for Top Chef began because I really got into fine tuning my skills in the kitchen during law school. Turns out one of the first season contestants, Tiffany, also competed for the junior college team where I was introduced to debate and where I also coached during law school. (Incidentally, debate is also how I met my husband.)

So, the first season of Top Chef came along and it was a welcome respite from law school study. I watched avidly the first season. I mourned when the season was over and TV sucked again. I counted down the days to seasons 2 and 3 almost as restlessly as the countdown for bar results.

And, even though Hung's win completely angered me, I immediately set the DVR to tape Season 4. And, lo and behold... to replace Tiffany as my favorite, now there's Stephanie. They haven't villianized her like Tiffany, so she is my bet to win. I'm sure it will come down to her and Richard, but Richard's hair just bugs me. I mean, really, you're a guy who wears pink shoes, but does that mean ya gotta be stuck in the 80's with the bad pseudo-mohawk? And his food is too weird for me. "Neat" is not a term I want applied to fine dining. Savory, luscious, delicious, fresh, those are all terms I might want to use. Not Willy Wonka-esque craziness.

But I digress. Stephanie is awesome. She managed to win the first two elimination challenges, and even pulled off a friggin' wedding cake. And the last episode was the best ever. Not only did it have a relay race in it, which I love each and every time they do it, but instead of restaurant wars, they went back to wedding wars. Wedding wars is so much better. Talk about chefs with a deer in the headlights look in their eyes, when they find out they have to do wedding food in 16 hours.

So, after Tiffany was wronged first season, Dale was wronged last season, my money is on Stephanie. You go, girl! Cook circles around them fools! And then open your own joint so I can come eat there.

bar sadists

I've decided how I'm dealing with bar results. I'm not. I'm sure I will look as soon as 6:00 rolls around, but I refuse, REFUSE, to let the February 2008 California Bar Exam rule my life anymore. So, I have invited people over and I'm going to busy myself cooking dinner and then playing poker for the evening after dinner.

I figure, if I do pass, then I'll want to party it up, and what better way than by playing some Texas hold 'em? And, if the news is bad, do I really want to sit around and wallow all night like I did in November? At least I can console myself with taking some chips off my friends and mouthing off about what junk they are playing. And, either way, I'll be enjoying some of our nicest wine that we have been saving, so I know there will be a reward no matter what the bar sadists tell me.

Reminds me of Heidi's drama in college. Yeah, I did speech and debate in college, but I was never as good as this girl. She always had fabuluous pieces, but her drama my senior year was my absolute favorite. It was called "10 things about Ed.... somebody." After the narrator's husband dies, she starts getting calls and threats from somebody saying her husband owed money and she had to pay it by a certain day and time. She finally decides not to continue to worry about this problem. Instead, she gets her cigarettes and her drink lined up and sits in her favorite chair when the specified time is near and figures, "let them come!"

Well, of course it turns out the husband actually fixed it all perfectly for her, and instead of the knee-busting money grubber, she instead is delivered a list of the reasons her husband loves and cherishes her, and how he actually fixed it so she is taken care of after he is gone.

I'm completely botching one of the best ten minutes I've ever seen at AFA Nationals, but suffice to say, Heidi's bravado in delivering that line sums up how I feel. Fear masked by studied indifference. Nothing I can do about it anyway, so why not keep busy with real life in the meantime. At 6:02, life will go on whether I see the right sentence on that screen or not, so why not enjoy it. I spent four years of law school not doing the things I wanted to do because I was studying on Friday and Saturday nights after I got the kids in bed. Now that law school is over, I can actually have fun with friends on a Friday night. Why waste one?

So, let them come! Do your worst, bar sadists. I almost dare you.

One Week Left....

So, I went to my first "Union Meeting" last night. This apparently consists of three people I went to law school with catching up over a cocktail one night a month. I almost didn't go, as all those people passed the bar on their first attempt and are not in my particular hell right now.

But I got over my pity party and went, and I was glad I did. L, who by the way is one of those skinny, attractive, perfectly dressed women who I always hate a little bit, even though she's completely likable, told a story about how she went to a TRO hearing in another county and got raked over the coals by the bailiff and judge there.

I felt so much better about myself. Isn't that horrible? It just seems like I make constant mistakes at work. Even when I haven't made a mistake, my boss seems to feel the need to tell me I did anyway. So, for L to have a bad day made me feel normal. And believe me, I have not felt normal for a while. Almost six months to be exact.

So, today is one week. Seven days. I don't know how many minutes... I alternate between desperation to KNOW ALREADY and the desire to push it back another two months so I don't have to face the possibility of bad news. I can already sense the impending complete emotional and mental breakdown if I see the same screen as November. I think I teared up for a couple of minutes on November 16, and then I had one or two temporary breakdowns of crying. Other than that, I mostly focused on how to correct this situation, so I think if it happens again, I will be due for THE BIG ONE. It won't be pretty.

Still not sure what to do on the final day. Last time I stayed home from work, but I don't know if I can do that again. It was excruciating even sitting at home.

Well, at least I have the magnum of Gary Farrell pinot ready to go in the wine fridge. I think I may open it about 5:00 p.m. and start the countdown. If nothing else, I will have good wine to get me through.