Decisions II...

Well, I did cry today.

Came to work, and as soon as I was able, I went in and gave my notice. After actually saying *IT*... that I just can't do a good job at work and do a good focused job at studying at the same time, I started to cry. Had to go in the bathroom to calm myself down. (Although I've been teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown ever since results, so the waterworks are actually quite delayed in arriving.)

It's admitting the failure. Admitting that I can't do it all. I think that's why it's so hard.

But I also know I can't go through what I went through the last two times yet again. It's mentally exhausting. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, and I don't even know how I did it.

I just can't shake that feeling of "WTF?!" that I got yesterday when the partner was pointing out that I graduated with honors, made law review, was on moot court, where we became mini-celebrities by kicking ass at the competition, clerked at great firms, and now all that's missing is the card.

And thinking that I've gone a year and I'm no better off than I was post-graduation is just depressing. I know in actuality that's not true, because I now have a year of great practical experience, but it feels like everyone else has moved on and I have stayed the same.

So, no more. I'm not going to do the same thing again and expect a different result. That would just be stupid. I'm going to do what I planned on doing last summer before I got caught up in having an actual job and paying the bills. Sure, paying the bills is great, but this summer we're in a financial position to actually take the summer off, so I would be a fool not to.

So that's that.

Decisions...

I almost cried in an interview today.

Well, I should clarify that. I wanted to cry in an interview.

That's never happened before.

So, I applied for this paralegal position. Met with HR lady yesterday. She liked me, and set up an interview today with the partner. Partner asks me a few questions, and then basically stops the interview and tells me he thinks he would be doing me a disservice by hiring me for this job that, while I could certainly do it, I was not cut out for. He said he was interested in hiring me, but as an attorney, not a paralegal. Then he started saying that I didn't go through all of law school, do extracurriculars, get scholarships, do law review, only to be a paralegal.

Ouch. Did my dad just start talking? I think I even said my dad said the same thing.

So, the whole thing went from interview to pseudo-therapy session, where he advised me to do whatever I needed to do to get ready for July, and call him WHEN I passed the bar, not if.

So, that was eye opening. Someone I don't even know is telling me what they think is the best thing to do... definitely brings everything into stark reality.

So, this evening I will be looking at my bank account and trying to figure out if there's any way at all I can make it the next couple of months without a salary. It does help that my salary isn't all that much and half of it gets eaten up by daycare, which would go away if I was at home all day.

Of course then I have to get the okay from the hubby on quitting. Not sure how well that would go over at all.