Decisions II...

Well, I did cry today.

Came to work, and as soon as I was able, I went in and gave my notice. After actually saying *IT*... that I just can't do a good job at work and do a good focused job at studying at the same time, I started to cry. Had to go in the bathroom to calm myself down. (Although I've been teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown ever since results, so the waterworks are actually quite delayed in arriving.)

It's admitting the failure. Admitting that I can't do it all. I think that's why it's so hard.

But I also know I can't go through what I went through the last two times yet again. It's mentally exhausting. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, and I don't even know how I did it.

I just can't shake that feeling of "WTF?!" that I got yesterday when the partner was pointing out that I graduated with honors, made law review, was on moot court, where we became mini-celebrities by kicking ass at the competition, clerked at great firms, and now all that's missing is the card.

And thinking that I've gone a year and I'm no better off than I was post-graduation is just depressing. I know in actuality that's not true, because I now have a year of great practical experience, but it feels like everyone else has moved on and I have stayed the same.

So, no more. I'm not going to do the same thing again and expect a different result. That would just be stupid. I'm going to do what I planned on doing last summer before I got caught up in having an actual job and paying the bills. Sure, paying the bills is great, but this summer we're in a financial position to actually take the summer off, so I would be a fool not to.

So that's that.