Barzillas...

Weezy commented that many use bar prep as license to become unbearable, and simply blame bar study for their bad behavior.

I love this term, Barzillas. It's SOOO true.

The first time I actually caught that show Bridezillas on TV was actually a few days ago. I stared at it like the scene of an accident. I couldn't NOT look at it. Big J, my seven-year-old came in and started watching, too. After about ten minutes, she said, "Why is that lady acting like that? She's mean."

Exactly. I said, "Well, I guess people forget what they look like to others sometimes when they are thinking about getting what they want." She looked unconvinced.

The analogy has occurred to me before in law school. I mean, really, anything with the words "law school" or "wedding" attached to them seem to be cause to jack the price up a gazillion percent. The money I forked over for law school prep materials still depresses me, and I bought most things used.

Why should the bar be any different? Except now it's the state bar extracting money from us, instead of our law school. And, like the wedding day many women dream of their entire childhoods, women who are driven to succeed can allow the bar exam and the admittance day to become the single-most-important-day-of-their-lives, forgetting everything else in the process.

Sad. Very sad. I used to be the type who took lines very seriously. If I waited in line, it really annoyed me when someone would walk up and cut in front of me. I can understand the irritation with saved seats, because it's kind of the same thing. First come, first served, and if I got here first, I should be able to sit first.

But... and here's where I have actually gained some maturity. (Wow, when did that happen?) There are so many more important things in life than getting irritated over the little things. I have consciously tried not to become annoyed by stuff. Having toddlers is a great exercise for that. Oh no, the one-year-old had an explosion of poop while we are travelling and we are on our last outfit. Well, we can deal with it or we can laugh about it and stand in the parking lot of Claim Jumper trying to baby-wipe our kid clean while other parents walk by and snicker. (True story.) That's life, people. Try to enjoy it just a little bit. The good AND the less enjoyable.

Whenever I feel like this is unfair (the whole f***ing the bar stuff, twice no less) (yes, fail is the unmentionable word!), I think of this....

When Big J was about two, I was still trying to have her take naps, even though she had decided she didn't like naps. She was tired, but would stay awake in her crib, playing and singing, until I gave up and got her up. One day, she was singing and playing in there, so I went in to check on her. Well, apparently she had pooped, and in her two-year-old mind, thought, "I will be an artist!" She had fingerpainted with her poo all over the crib, all over the wall, all over her bedding, some had spread to the carpet area near the crib... We're talking disgusting. And it smelled awful.

So, I got the pleasure of spending the next three hours scrubbing mostly-dried poo off the kid, every spindle and nook and cranny on the crib, the wall, the carpet, etc. I think I gave up on the bedding and just threw it away. The whole time, I was thinking, "No one told me about THIS when I decided to become supermommy."

I was pretty happy to go to class that night. I think it was contracts. Contracts was never so fabulous as when I was learning it instead of scrubbing poo.

So, now if I feel life is unfair, I think back to that experience, and realize, "This is not so bad."

And that's why I vow never to become a Barzilla. Taking the bar is way better than scrubbing poop fingerpaint. Even taking it over.

To Job Or Not To Job...

So, here's my quandry...

I have a job, where I was hired to be an "associate." I was hired pending bar results. The person I replaced was there for thirteen years and had no interest in appearances or signing pleadings. Essentially this person was a paralegal with a JD, even though license was in hand. (I also am basically a paralegal and even though I will be called an associate post-licensing, that simply means a change in title and a very slight raise.)

When I didn't pass, my boss was not pleased, but he's very nice and understanding, kind of like my surrogate dad, and so he supported me in the second time around.

This time, I was not fired for non-passage (I prefer not to use the F word), but I'm concerned that he is thinking about it and I'm really worried the axe will come immediately before the 3 days in July, which will throw me into an emotional tailspin. I should mention that I really believe he is pleased with my work overall and the fact that I have been there a year and learned his quirks is definitely in my favor right now.

So, as a hobby, I apply for jobs. Kind of like the professional version of retail therapy... I think I like the thrill of someone calling me for an interview. "They like me, they really like me!" Definitely an ego boost when this whole year has been one big downer.

I turned down two jobs prior to bar results, thinking there was a good chance I passed and it would be fatalistic to take a paralegal position just because I was afraid of the possibility of not passing.

However now that has not occurred. I didn't pass. So, after applying to every job that shows up in my area that I am even remotely qualified for, I will be interviewing with a very well-respected firm in town- for a litigation paralegal position (which would be full-time rather than the 30 hours per week I work now.)

So, even though initially I got the thrill of "Yay me! They like me enough to talk to me." Now the issue becomes, should I leave? Should I go to full time? Should I settle for the paralegal position? Or, should I say screw it and quit my job cold turkey and study full-time all summer (instead of the wanky part-time studying that I am currently doing) so I can get this crap over with already and get my stupid card.

Something has happened to me over the past year. Somewhere between law student and law school graduate, I lost my decisiveness. I am constantly paralyzed with indecision, having no idea what is the right thing to do.

To job or not to job... and which job... that is the question....

Freedumb...

Well, the agony of waiting is over, but now the new agony of whether to take it again has started.

I had decided, and told everyone I know, that there was no way I would take the bar again in July if I didn't pass. Of course, my husband did pass (on his third try), and my dad called as soon as he heard and gave me a guilt trip about how I just have to take it again. My husband agreed.

Um, why?

Well, I guess I can see the point they're making. If I wait, I will forget stuff. Right now I remember almost everything verbatim. Substantive review would not be an issue.

In November, my paper came on Saturday, so I had the benefit of my scores right away. Today that didn't happen, so until Monday, I am left to guess at how close (or far) I came to 1440. I honestly believe I must have been damn close. There wasn't anything on that exam that I didn't know.

I know not passing is upsetting, and I know that I probably should be upset, but I'm not all that upset. In November, I was shocked and upset, and demoralized. I guess this time around, I am just more philosphical about it. Hey, it's a test. Graded by a whole bunch of people who don't know me. It's not personal. It doesn't mean I'm stupid. It actually doesn't mean much of anything, except that I can't have my magic card yet.

But, I would be lying if I said there weren't serious barriers keeping me from signing up for July right away. The $600 test fee is certainly one of them. I just feel like I've been throwing money at the California Bar for so long.... and for me, everything I have spent was multiplied by two, since my husband took it in July, and then had to repeat in February. That's two test fees (with laptop costs), two hotel rooms (trust me, sharing a room with someone who wants to study until 4:00 a.m. was not an option for me when I wanted to go to bed at 8:00 and get up to study at 4:00), and two sets of study materials. Then there's childcare, and the time off of work. At the last minute, I was forced to take that time without pay, which threw a whole financial crisis into the middle of bar prep. (I'm actually surprised I didn't completely lose my mind during that time, now that I think about it.)

Then add on the fact that I have two kids. The hassle of finding someone to take them when I wanted to study was neverending. And at age 5, little J was simply not having it. Their behavior was awful during bar study. And honestly, I don't blame them. I didn't like it, and I was making the choice to do it. They were having it inflicted upon them. And, let's be honest, the responsibility of finding childcare falls on me in our house. Daddy did none of that stuff.

God, I'm tired just thinking about it. No wonder I was so exhausted for the last year.

I think my problem, with life in general, is that if someone gives me advice, and it sounds objectively like a good idea, then I do it. That's why I went to law school, for sure. It wasn't because I wanted to be a lawyer. I never had lofty goals of arguing in front of the Supreme Court. I think my main goal was to have a plan and a path that I could pursue while I was a stay-at-home mom. While I really, really wanted to be the one to take care of my children, I also didn't like the idea of being completely out of the workforce for five or more years. I guess I just wanted job security. Since my husband said, "hey, law school is a good idea", that's what I did.

So, now the question is, do I have the desire to actually practice law? Not really. Do I want to make my own schedule, be my own boss, and be able to be there for my kids when they need me? Yup. Is being a lawyer one way to get there? Maybe/Probably.

So, while I'm not sure it's what I *want* to do, I'm reasonably certain that it's what I will do. Because I have always done what is expected of me. I've always done what I should. And I really can't come up with a reason not to re-take, except that I don't want to.

So, for the next six months, I will likely be continuing my journey... bring valium, wine, snacks, whatever gets ya through...

One Week Left....

So, I went to my first "Union Meeting" last night. This apparently consists of three people I went to law school with catching up over a cocktail one night a month. I almost didn't go, as all those people passed the bar on their first attempt and are not in my particular hell right now.

But I got over my pity party and went, and I was glad I did. L, who by the way is one of those skinny, attractive, perfectly dressed women who I always hate a little bit, even though she's completely likable, told a story about how she went to a TRO hearing in another county and got raked over the coals by the bailiff and judge there.

I felt so much better about myself. Isn't that horrible? It just seems like I make constant mistakes at work. Even when I haven't made a mistake, my boss seems to feel the need to tell me I did anyway. So, for L to have a bad day made me feel normal. And believe me, I have not felt normal for a while. Almost six months to be exact.

So, today is one week. Seven days. I don't know how many minutes... I alternate between desperation to KNOW ALREADY and the desire to push it back another two months so I don't have to face the possibility of bad news. I can already sense the impending complete emotional and mental breakdown if I see the same screen as November. I think I teared up for a couple of minutes on November 16, and then I had one or two temporary breakdowns of crying. Other than that, I mostly focused on how to correct this situation, so I think if it happens again, I will be due for THE BIG ONE. It won't be pretty.

Still not sure what to do on the final day. Last time I stayed home from work, but I don't know if I can do that again. It was excruciating even sitting at home.

Well, at least I have the magnum of Gary Farrell pinot ready to go in the wine fridge. I think I may open it about 5:00 p.m. and start the countdown. If nothing else, I will have good wine to get me through.