Sunday, June 8, 2008

Graduation...

Today I am attending the next graduation of my law school. I wouldn't go, except my good friend, A, will be graduating today. Yay!

Then I get to go see the Poets and Pirates Tour with one of my oldest friends from high school. (Crimony, I still hang out with people I knew in high school? Yup.) So, that will be great. Sit, drink, sing, not have to worry about anything, that's a good Sunday evening.

So, in a way, I guess I might experience a wash of failure at sitting through graduation having not passed yet, but this past week really put things in perspective for me. Also, the relief of having time has washed over me, so I think that trumps all other feelings of misery.

I was sitting through class yesterday, and yes, I was nervously thinking of the lengthy list of what I needed to get done before the THREE DAYS, but also, I was relieved, because this time I will actually have the luxury of time. Time to learn what I need to do without feeling like I need to do it as quickly as possible so I can still clean up the kitchen and make the kids lunches and make it to work on time and do laundry and all the other regular life stuff.

I just feel like I have given myself a gift now. Permission to do what I need to. Permission to take time.

I have been struggling to not feel guilty about it, because of the inherent mom orientation of wanting to take care of everyone else and leaving myself last, but I'm working diligently to quash those feelings of guilt every time they begin to arise. It's okay if I don't contribute a salary while studying. It's okay if I don't have a clean house. It's okay if I take the time I need to study. It's okay if I take the time and money to protect my health and sanity. All of these things are perfectly okay.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to do these things for myself, when I would tell any one of my friends those same things and mean them wholeheartedly. I guess it's easier to be generous and compassionate with others than it is yourself, when you're used to being a perfectionist overachiever.

Oh, dear god, Paula Deen is eating a breakfast sandwich that is two Krispy Creme doughnuts with a fried egg and bacon on it. Talk about a heart attack on a plate. Actually, it looks kind of good... Everything is better with doughnuts, right?

I think it's time to turn FoodTV off.
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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello Wine Country Law Mom,

I stumbled upon your blog once I found the blogosphere.

I took the bar for the first time this past Feb (a full year after graduating from law school). I failed by 30 points. I missed over half the MBEs!!! I am struggling to figure out what comes next, and feel very sad and alone about the whole thing

I work full time in a job I really, really like. I hope to never actually practice law(law school was a mistake that I didn't acknowledge until I was half way through -- but, that's a whole other story) -- at this point, the bar is to pad my resume and keep options open.

I don't know what to do. I don't have the luxury of a leave of absence from work this time around. I don't want to leave my job right now, actually, because I got a promo that I've been after for a few months now.

I have been plugging away since I got the result a few weeks ago, but it's done half-heartedly and I'm realizing that I didn't learn as much of the law as I thought. It feels overwhelming and I don't see how I can do this in a few weeks only on the weekends and at night after a long day of work. Everyone has an opinion, though. (And by everyone I mean my friends and boyfriend who aren't in the law profession and have no clue what the bar really entails.) Everyone says take it again in July. But I just have a bad feeling about it.

I just feel ... overwhelmed.

I find it inspiring that you figured out what you need to do this time around. Sometimes I want to just say "Screw everyone else." Also, I appreciate the honesty.

Anyway, sorry for the venting. I'm in a weird place over this test!!

~A

June 8, 2008 at 1:56 PM
WC law mom said...

Well, Anonymous, I am not nearly as cool as you make me out to be (but thanks!). I told everyone I know that I would not take the bar more than two times. Period. And here I am doing it again. That being said, people who have not been through this really do not understand how physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing it is to go through on administration of the exam. I know my parents don't, as wonderful and supportive as they are. I think you need to not study for a few, or even several, days and decide if you actually are (mentally) prepared to do it again, rather than going through the motions because it's expected of you. On the one hand, 30 points isn't much at all, and you don't have much further to go to get the card. On the other, it doesn't matter how close you were last time if your heart isn't in it. Apathy will significantly decrease your chances of passing. But, only you can make that decision. In the end, for me, I didn't want to chance forgetting what I worked so hard to learn for February by sitting out an administration. I learn quickly, but I forget quickly, too. Plus I just don't feel finished with the entire law school event until the bar is done, but that's also because I want to practice law. Good luck, and let me know what you end up deciding. Either way, I hope your loved ones will be accepting and understanding of your decision.

June 9, 2008 at 1:54 AM
abbagirl said...

i don't know how you do it! still be a mom, wife, and get things done for everyone but still find time for yourself. that's amazing.

i can understand the guilt-tripping -- but really, it is okay for the house to get a bit messy while you study!! trust me -- you should see my place . . . um, actually, maybe you better not . . . . :-P LOL

i feel for anonymous' comments above. like, i didn't take my first bar exam attempt seriously at all -- and paid dearly for it. it was only when i started studying again the second time around that i realized just how much i had cut myself short and how little i actually knew about each of the subjects and how to write the essays . . . . and i dunno -- the whole experience has taken quite a psychological toll on me, i think.

BUT must not dwell -- must get back to the grind. we just need to keep our nose to the grind, figure out our areas of weakness, and practice practice practice! if there's anything i've learned from reading the blogs of repeaters, it's that it is possible to conquer this thing. we've got to take heart from their examples.

:)

June 10, 2008 at 10:10 PM
WC law mom said...

Aww... I feel all special now. Thanks for the compliment! I am finding that the blog and the comments from others is so supportive, therapeutic, and encouraging that I think everyone should do it if they are trying to do this again, or going through anything difficult. My perspective is just so much different after two attempts that this. I now KNOW others are struggling just as much as I am, and it's not lack of intelligence, or lack of work ethic. It's just an arbitrary, stupid test. Those who pass on the first try are simply on the lucky side of the (arbitrary and capricious) line. So, we shall not give up, because this experience will most certainly make us more humble and grateful people, and I can say this- that's the type of person I want as an attorney handling my biggest life problems, not someone who is arrogant, acts superior, or is doing this job for the wrong reasons.

June 11, 2008 at 9:42 AM

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