Plan...

So, someone asked what my long term study plan is for February.

Well, I wish I could say I have a plan. The only plan I have right this second is NOT to plan my life around the bar right now.

I don't know what the "secret" to the bar exam is. There is no explanation for me not passing the bar. I did well in law school, clerked at good firms, am bright and a good writer, and I put in the time and effort. It could be a lot of things: financial worries during both times I was studying, childcare issues that provided a distraction, husband also taking exam and providing a distraction, not taking Barbri, not taking the whole summer (or winter) off to study, or (my personal belief) just plain exhaustion.

I went to night law school so I could be a SAHM. That means I did school at least three nights a week for four years, with about a week off during the entire year. I didn't have summers off to travel or just relax or work. Often, during the one week break between semesters (which, incidentally, I still had to do homework during, because, as you all know, there is an reading assignment for the first night of class) I would have plans that I was just too tired to follow through on. I distinctly remember being too tired to go see The Lion King with my family, even though I had bought the tickets months before, because I was exhausted from finals.

Similarly, I have not experienced vacations since law school began. We won a four day cruise to Mexico and went on that the week before finals late in law school, and we spent a weekend at Disneyland somewhere in there, but that is all. Ironically, I got the best midterm grades ever after that vacation. I think the fact that I actually relaxed and enjoyed myself a bit brought about that stellar exam performance.

I know that I arrived at bar study with a feeling of complete and utter exhaustion and dread. Like many things in law school, I did not want to do it, I did not care, and I just wanted to jump through that hoop and be done with it. However, when you are so tired from working and studying that you maintain a migraine level headache for five weeks, this is really, really not the time to be taking the test of your life.

But I didn't really get that. I thought, like many others things I had done before, I could push on through and still do what needed to be done.

I don't think that's true of the bar. It is a war of attrition, and when you enter the battle on a horse with a lame leg, and no sword and shield, you really can't expect to win the battle OR the war. But that is what I did.

So, now, the goal is to get away from that 'struggling not to drown' mentality. It's weird what happens when you know that you are no longer required to do something. You start to give yourself permission. Permission to think of other things, consider other possibilities. Does it matter if I never take the California Bar again? Nope. Will I take it again? Yup. Will I do better next time? Yup. If I don't pass, will I be unemployable? No way.

And that's okay. It's all.... Okay.

So that's the plan right now. And I honestly think it's the best thing I can do for myself at this time.