Irritation...

So, the inevitable happened. An argument over household chores turned into an accusation by my husband in the form of, "Why are you so mad all the time?"

First of all, that's not true. Secondly, I have been irritable since bar results, but it seems to me that's a fairly normal reaction. As in, last night at 10:00, I sat down to study some MBEs and a lengthy discussion ensues. Hey, I just want to get through some studying before I go to bed. Maybe this discussion could be had some other time. But that isn't a good enough response, and the discussion continues for another half an hour.... tick, tock, tick, tock... so, yeah I start getting irritable and bitchy. Hey, maybe this is why I haven't passed the damn exam yet. Ya think?

So, tonight, while my husband is ostensibly cleaning the kitchen after dinner, and I'm thinking I can sit down and do some studying before it gets late and I'm tired, Little J tracks dog poo onto the carpet from the back yard. Lovely. So, I get out the steam cleaner and get the dog poo out of the carpet. Then I do some laundry. Then I bathe both kids. Then I get them ready for bed and their hair combed out, teeth brushed. Then I look at the time and it's 10:00 at night again and my husband is sitting on the couch, wondering why I'm not doing enough for him (when the kitchen is half cleaned.)

So, at this point, yeah, I'm a little irritated. That doesn't mean I'm mad all the time. He went to his guys' poker night Friday and I had the kids. No problem. He went for a bike ride yesterday and wanted to do work on his class he's teaching and I had the kids. No problem. He wanted to invite people to dinner at 4:30 yesterday afternoon (and I ran to the store and got ready to entertain, stat). No problem. He went to get do errands this morning and I had the kids. No problem. But, all of a sudden, when I expect him to follow through on one thing, I'm a bitch.

No, I don't think so. You can't be lazy about finishing stuff you start and then make offensive comments and expect nothing in return. This is just a continuation of the complete battle that law school was. Every single time finals rolled around, there was an argument about how I was demanding and obnoxious. And I kept thinking that it would be nice when law school was over, because I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore.

Enter the bar exam. Spring of my last year, my husband, who always said he had no interest in practicing law, decides to announce he's taking the bar, too. Excuse me? How is that going to work? And how does that not make this whole thing about a billion times harder for me, who just got a job that depends on me passing the bar? And don't even get me started on how that is just f***ed up. You know I want to practice, and need to pass, yet you can't just step aside for a couple of months and help me achieve my ultimate goal. Like maybe planning on taking it after I'm through it? Instead, you have to jump in and make it all about you and how you are doing this, too. Even though it doesn't matter at all if you take/pass the bar for your job.

So last summer, instead of just focusing on the bar exam, I was forced to share bar prep materials and constantly trying to figure out how to get someone to watch the kids. When I couldn't get anyone to watch the kids, I was forced to study in the living room with them, while my husband studied in the bedroom with the door closed.

Of course, then neither of us passed, and we had to do that all over again.

And now, he has passed, and I saw that he has already been emailing my friends to tell them they need to talk me into taking it again.

Well, if he wants me to take the exam again, so much so that he's mentioning to my friends that they need to encourage me to do it, then why can't he put the self-centeredness on pause for long enough to actually be the kind of supportive partner that is necessary for me to get this thing done already? I just do not understand what he is thinking here. Maybe it is man thinking that I just don't understand, but having gone through law school and bar prep himself, you'd think he'd get it just a teeny, tiny bit.

Anyway, that's been my weekend. I just had this sudden clarity that there's no way I'm going to get any help or leeway whatsoever from my spouse. And that thought is just sad to me.

I know it's just a test. And I know it's not the end of the world. And I know I might be able to get it done without help from him, with the status quo continuing as usual, but it would sure be nice to have my husband, who understands what I'm doing here, say, "Hey, I know this sucks, but I'll do what I can to help you." And then follow through. Even if the things I ask seem stupid, like finishing cleaning the kitchen.