Freedumb...

Well, the agony of waiting is over, but now the new agony of whether to take it again has started.

I had decided, and told everyone I know, that there was no way I would take the bar again in July if I didn't pass. Of course, my husband did pass (on his third try), and my dad called as soon as he heard and gave me a guilt trip about how I just have to take it again. My husband agreed.

Um, why?

Well, I guess I can see the point they're making. If I wait, I will forget stuff. Right now I remember almost everything verbatim. Substantive review would not be an issue.

In November, my paper came on Saturday, so I had the benefit of my scores right away. Today that didn't happen, so until Monday, I am left to guess at how close (or far) I came to 1440. I honestly believe I must have been damn close. There wasn't anything on that exam that I didn't know.

I know not passing is upsetting, and I know that I probably should be upset, but I'm not all that upset. In November, I was shocked and upset, and demoralized. I guess this time around, I am just more philosphical about it. Hey, it's a test. Graded by a whole bunch of people who don't know me. It's not personal. It doesn't mean I'm stupid. It actually doesn't mean much of anything, except that I can't have my magic card yet.

But, I would be lying if I said there weren't serious barriers keeping me from signing up for July right away. The $600 test fee is certainly one of them. I just feel like I've been throwing money at the California Bar for so long.... and for me, everything I have spent was multiplied by two, since my husband took it in July, and then had to repeat in February. That's two test fees (with laptop costs), two hotel rooms (trust me, sharing a room with someone who wants to study until 4:00 a.m. was not an option for me when I wanted to go to bed at 8:00 and get up to study at 4:00), and two sets of study materials. Then there's childcare, and the time off of work. At the last minute, I was forced to take that time without pay, which threw a whole financial crisis into the middle of bar prep. (I'm actually surprised I didn't completely lose my mind during that time, now that I think about it.)

Then add on the fact that I have two kids. The hassle of finding someone to take them when I wanted to study was neverending. And at age 5, little J was simply not having it. Their behavior was awful during bar study. And honestly, I don't blame them. I didn't like it, and I was making the choice to do it. They were having it inflicted upon them. And, let's be honest, the responsibility of finding childcare falls on me in our house. Daddy did none of that stuff.

God, I'm tired just thinking about it. No wonder I was so exhausted for the last year.

I think my problem, with life in general, is that if someone gives me advice, and it sounds objectively like a good idea, then I do it. That's why I went to law school, for sure. It wasn't because I wanted to be a lawyer. I never had lofty goals of arguing in front of the Supreme Court. I think my main goal was to have a plan and a path that I could pursue while I was a stay-at-home mom. While I really, really wanted to be the one to take care of my children, I also didn't like the idea of being completely out of the workforce for five or more years. I guess I just wanted job security. Since my husband said, "hey, law school is a good idea", that's what I did.

So, now the question is, do I have the desire to actually practice law? Not really. Do I want to make my own schedule, be my own boss, and be able to be there for my kids when they need me? Yup. Is being a lawyer one way to get there? Maybe/Probably.

So, while I'm not sure it's what I *want* to do, I'm reasonably certain that it's what I will do. Because I have always done what is expected of me. I've always done what I should. And I really can't come up with a reason not to re-take, except that I don't want to.

So, for the next six months, I will likely be continuing my journey... bring valium, wine, snacks, whatever gets ya through...