Ugh...

So, initially on Friday evening, I of course started hearing from my friends who know friends from my law school, about who passed and who didn't.

On the one hand, I don't really begrudge anyone who has passed the California bar exam. On the other hand, hearing about those who passed just conjured up my feelings of anxiety and failure about having taken it in the past. I managed to feel overwhelming waves of failure even though I didn't take the damn thing in July....

Geez....

But, this evening I notice that Cal Bar None passed.... Congrats! I am so, so happy for you! Also, a woman that is in a similar position to me, who graduated a year before me who I had commiserated with in the past during bar prep, J.W., also finally passed, and I am so, so, SO happy for her. She totally deserves it. Knowing that people I like and was pulling for have passed doesn't make me feel bad about myself.

But my friend A. did not pass, so we will be visiting Sacramento in February together. Rat bastards. Well, I am feeling fortunate that at least I will have someone to have dinner with during the three days. Honestly, I'd rather have to eat by myself and save her the angst and anxiety, but what are you gonna do? It is what it is.

On the other hand... it's the people who I thought were just lazy or downright jerky during law school whose passing on the very first try gets to me. I know it shouldn't, but there's a little part of me that is a baby and feels like if I am a generous and nice person and I didn't pass, where is the justice in them passing.

But I got over it, and now I have registered (no snafus on effing THAT up again) and am working on what I think I need to do to make this my last sit for this stupid stupid STUPID exam that is of course a measure of your true worth as a human being and obviously an excellent measure of what an outstanding attorney you will be.... but at least I'm not bitter or anything. ;)

Alas, I am not yet certain what I need to do.

Memorize, certainly. Done.

Do some essays, yep.

Do a smattering of MBEs, absolutely.

Spend any money on bar prep? Not so sure about that.

I am just not sure spending any money will help. I mean, we are talking eleven points here. That's basically getting back up to speed and maintaining cool, calm, un-exhausted focus on the PTs and I will be there.

So, I am still working on the study plan...

Anyone who has ideas, I am open. Obviously, there will be more on this later...