Bitter...

So, someone said that my posts lately have been very bitter.... and although they did not leave their name, they are right.

Is an explosion imminent? Maybe. I'm actually not sure yet. Tonight I was told to "get the f*** out", so maybe.

It's funny... as long as I am the good wife, things go along nicely and everything is hunky dory. It's always been that way. But every time finals rolled around, or the bar exam, or my husband rode me to get a job, and then I got one, then the you-know-what hits the fan. So, basically, although no one can really explain what happens in a relationship so it makes sense to someone else... my husband seems to want both the happy stay-at-home mommy who bakes cookies and has a gourmet dinner ready when he walks in the door, and he also expects a wife who makes money and has interesting stuff to say about her job at the end of the day. The problem is, it is impossible for the average human to do all of that, so I am constantly trying to please, yet unable to, and then frustrated because I can't maintain that level of energy and output.

I've actually worked anywhere from 30 to 40+ hours per week for the last three years, while doing law school and studying for the bar, yet my husband still thinks of me as a stay-at-home mom. So, he has often come home and berated me for not getting something in the house done, saying "well, you were here all day..." A lot of times, that flat out was not true- I was at work all day, or I was working from home all day on an appellate brief or other contract work, yet his unflagging belief is that I am here, doing what needs to be done all day, every day, and that is my role.

I'm just not sure what to do about that. It's been three years..... and not. one. thing. has changed. At a certain point, you just can't expect someone to be the partner you thought they'd be.

Maybe he reads my blog. I doubt it. I really, really am sad to report that my husband is worried about himself. I'm not saying that to be mean, it's just a fact. He really does not care about how other people feel, for the vast majority of situations, so I just doubt that anything I write here, which by the way, I have said to him (as my policy is to never say anything about someone that I wouldn't say to their face) would make on iota of difference to him, even if I thought he was reading it.

So, yes, I have been somewhat bitter lately. And maybe I will become one of THOSE women. Whatever. I can't let fear over what anonymous people think make life altering decisions for me. I think the reason why there are so many of THOSE women, is because, no matter what the change that happens in your life, you finally have to learn when to fold a shitty hand. If getting through law school and being done with that level of constant stress gets you to the point where you just don't want to put up with any more stress and unrealistic expectations, then maybe that's a commentary on the men that can't handle a woman who has achieved an advanced degree and now makes more money, or even some money, and feels the need to be even more controlling in an effort to keep her in her place, rather than some kind of flaw in the woman herself.

And I own my mistakes. I know that I have partially created this monster, who is now used to certain things. But, at the same time, you reach a point where you look at a person, and you suddenly don't see a person who you love and loves you. You see someone who will go to any lengths to get what they want from you, when they want it, no matter what the toll on you. And that's a shocking turn of events, internally.

So, if you are upset about my bitter posts, I guess I could apologize, but I'm not sure what for. And I don't know that I would mean it. This blog has been very therapeutic for me, in a time of real turmoil and uncertainty, so I believe I will continue to be as honest as I have been. I will, however, try to title posts to alert readers to any bitter rants, and you may avoid as needed, if you feel it is depressing or not what you wish to read at that time. And that's about the best I can manage right now. I am at the end of my emotional rope right now, so I'm just not capable of any more.

And that's all I have to say about that.