Ingrates...

Okay, so when did my kids become the kind of whiny, bratty brats that demand stuff in stores and throw fits if they don't get the thing?

I spent three days this week cleaning- in only TWO ROOMS. Little J wanted a pink room, and big J wanted to paint her room. Big J already has a pink room. So, I said, thinking this would be easier (ha!), let's switch rooms and then I'll just paint one room.

If I had known the amount of cleaning and junk sorting that would entail, I would have waited until we eventually move out of this house and just drive through with a bulldozer. The stuff under the beds alone was phenomenal.

Then today we go to the post office/gift store and they want me to buy them a stuffed animal. Um, how much crap did I have to clean up? Nope, nope, and NO.

So, now Big J is whining and crying because she didn't get the stuffed animal. Sigh.

Some days I do not recommend to others that they have children. Keep your house nice, clean, quiet and NOT destroyed as long as possible, if you must have the little buggers.

Luckily, tomorrow Nana is coming to take them away while we go to Gary Farrell for wine and salmon and golf putting competition on the crush pad. Yum, yum, and Yummy!

Dirt...

It's amazing how dirty your house is when you start to clean it and really start noticing how bad it has gotten...

It's like that hardware store commercial where the lady puts in a new light dimmer and then the bright light illuminates all the other projects that need to be done...

Yard... mess.
House... mess.
Kitchen... real mess, with ant invasion to boot.

Dealt with the ants today. Tomorrow it's moving on to the other rooms.

Even killing ants is better than studying for the bar. Isn't that sad?

Now?...

First, thanks for the comments from everyone! Those were my thoughts exactly. It's nowhere near a tragedy- I've seen people who forgot to upload their essays before the deadline. I would call THAT a problem. Waiting a few months is not that big of a deal.

And, now that I've had time to adjust my mental state, I am simply relieved. I did not want to do this again right now. Now, I have a reason not to. Inadvertent as it was, the decision has been made for me.

This is actually how I have trended for the past year. I have studied for the bar twice, only to be slapped down by the point calculations. This has had a real effect on me, although it has crept up slowly over time.

During law school, I had no problem making decisions, no problem figuring out what I wanted to do, no problem going after what I wanted. Since then, I spend time while at work looking for other jobs as a hobby, but then when someone offers me one, I freak out and opt not to take it.

The slapping down part has really thrown me for a loop. I never did not succeed at something I decided to do, and not getting it has made me question and doubt every single decision, no matter how small or large. I don't know what kind of law I want to do, I don't know what kind of firm I might like to work for, I don't know what kind of schedule I'd be comfortable at, I just don't know anything anymore.

And my indecision has made it so every single thing that I am able to put off, I do. I don't go out in my garden at all, because I walk out there and it just seems like so much work, that to even get started makes me almost start to cry. So I go back in the house. I look at my bills to pay, and I don't know which stuff I should focus on or pay first, so I put it all off until the very last minute, until I absolutely have to pay it or I will get late fees. I look around at my house and think about all the things I'd like to do, such as paint or put up a light fixture or clean out the garage for a yard sale, and it's just... too... much.

So, it is really no surprise that I put off registering... and put it off... until the decision was made for me.

And now I can actually get a tan this summer. I can clean up the weeds taking over my yard. I can run through the sprinklers with my kids. I can sit on the patio in the backyard with a glass of wine and a book that is NOT a law book. I can finally do the tasks around the house I have been meaning to do for five years. I can go to the gym without it being "study time" while listening to law CDs. The list goes on and on.

The more I think about it, the more I think this may be the best mistake I have made in a long, long time...

July...

Um, I will not be taking the bar in July.

Know why?
My dumb ass thought the deadline was July 3. I looked at the site a month ago and checked for specifically what the deadline was.

Nope. It was two days ago. And there are no exceptions. (That's the deadline to get a REFUND.)

So, now I have no studying to do.

Not sure yet if that's good or bad. Certainly a relief not to have to go do it again.

My friend N (who is waiting until Feb to re-take) said 1) this is my subconscious telling me I don't want to take it in July anyway, and 2) if I can't even read the f***ing application right, then I have no business taking the exam in my brain-fried state anyway.

She may have a point.

Barzillas...

Weezy commented that many use bar prep as license to become unbearable, and simply blame bar study for their bad behavior.

I love this term, Barzillas. It's SOOO true.

The first time I actually caught that show Bridezillas on TV was actually a few days ago. I stared at it like the scene of an accident. I couldn't NOT look at it. Big J, my seven-year-old came in and started watching, too. After about ten minutes, she said, "Why is that lady acting like that? She's mean."

Exactly. I said, "Well, I guess people forget what they look like to others sometimes when they are thinking about getting what they want." She looked unconvinced.

The analogy has occurred to me before in law school. I mean, really, anything with the words "law school" or "wedding" attached to them seem to be cause to jack the price up a gazillion percent. The money I forked over for law school prep materials still depresses me, and I bought most things used.

Why should the bar be any different? Except now it's the state bar extracting money from us, instead of our law school. And, like the wedding day many women dream of their entire childhoods, women who are driven to succeed can allow the bar exam and the admittance day to become the single-most-important-day-of-their-lives, forgetting everything else in the process.

Sad. Very sad. I used to be the type who took lines very seriously. If I waited in line, it really annoyed me when someone would walk up and cut in front of me. I can understand the irritation with saved seats, because it's kind of the same thing. First come, first served, and if I got here first, I should be able to sit first.

But... and here's where I have actually gained some maturity. (Wow, when did that happen?) There are so many more important things in life than getting irritated over the little things. I have consciously tried not to become annoyed by stuff. Having toddlers is a great exercise for that. Oh no, the one-year-old had an explosion of poop while we are travelling and we are on our last outfit. Well, we can deal with it or we can laugh about it and stand in the parking lot of Claim Jumper trying to baby-wipe our kid clean while other parents walk by and snicker. (True story.) That's life, people. Try to enjoy it just a little bit. The good AND the less enjoyable.

Whenever I feel like this is unfair (the whole f***ing the bar stuff, twice no less) (yes, fail is the unmentionable word!), I think of this....

When Big J was about two, I was still trying to have her take naps, even though she had decided she didn't like naps. She was tired, but would stay awake in her crib, playing and singing, until I gave up and got her up. One day, she was singing and playing in there, so I went in to check on her. Well, apparently she had pooped, and in her two-year-old mind, thought, "I will be an artist!" She had fingerpainted with her poo all over the crib, all over the wall, all over her bedding, some had spread to the carpet area near the crib... We're talking disgusting. And it smelled awful.

So, I got the pleasure of spending the next three hours scrubbing mostly-dried poo off the kid, every spindle and nook and cranny on the crib, the wall, the carpet, etc. I think I gave up on the bedding and just threw it away. The whole time, I was thinking, "No one told me about THIS when I decided to become supermommy."

I was pretty happy to go to class that night. I think it was contracts. Contracts was never so fabulous as when I was learning it instead of scrubbing poo.

So, now if I feel life is unfair, I think back to that experience, and realize, "This is not so bad."

And that's why I vow never to become a Barzilla. Taking the bar is way better than scrubbing poop fingerpaint. Even taking it over.