Vacation...

Ah... a few days of blissful relaxation and fun to be had at Disneyland and now I feel like I am actually ready to start facing the next step.

New things in my life:
1. working for myself (yay), not the man
2. working on how I am going to make this my last bar exam

Benefits of numbers 1 and 2:
1. more time
2. less stress
3. knowing that I know what it takes to pass
4. a LOT less exhaustion

Last February I went to the exam knowing that I knew the law and that I knew how to write essays and do reasonably well on the MBEs. The PTs, not so much. I took a two day seminar and it really didn't do much except tell me an order to do things and how to get through the library quickly. I also had not figured out how important not being exhausted was to getting through the afternoons.

So, after some reflection, I have arrived at this: The bar prep I did for the essays was excellent. I took a course similar to Essay Advantage that showed me all the ways I was messing up my essays and how to fix that. I also got back fifteen graded essays from them, which started off as 55's and 60's and after three or four turned into 70's and 75's. And lo and behold, my scores on the essay portion: nothing less and than a 65. Basically, I got the ten points per esssay increase I was looking for.

MBE's: it's funny, but I did a LOT less MBE's than the previous exam. I think I did about 2200 for the previous July. I did MBE's until I was so angst ridden about MBEs that I continually talked myself out of the right answer because I could remember having done that question but did not remember which answer I answered or whether the one I wanted to choose was the right one or not. For last February, I did maybe 600 MBE's, and followed the advice of my bar prep person instead. She said knowing the law was the key to the essays AND the MBE's. So, instead of doing lots of those, I focused on making my own flashcards for every single subject and then memorizing them, as well as my approaches/cheat sheets/whatever you want to call them precisely. Man, that was a lot of work, time consuming, and exhausting, but it was what I needed to do. My MBE score jumped some 25 raw points.

PT's: I had a sinking sensation during the Tuesday PT in February. That thing was hard. I was mentally tired from staying up until something a.m. almost every night for the last six weeks. I had gone full blast on the essays in the morning.... I was just tired and was having a hard time getting the nice clear focus that legal writing requires (at least for me). Then Thursday was just as bad, not because it was hard, but because I was that much more tired by Thursday afternoon. And it was con law stuff. Something about con law makes my eyes glaze over. It started with the professor I had in law school, whom I despised. And it continued with the extracurriculars I was doing while in that class to make for a sense of dread and horror when the different scrutinies must be remembered.

So, I walked out of February knowing that I did fine on the essays, fine on the MBEs, and that I probably got a 55 and a 60 or a 65 on the PTS.

And I was right.

So now, I still remember a lot of the rules verbatim. I still remember a lot of the MBEs. In a couple of hours I could get back my memorization on all my cheat sheets. The only area of struggle remains the PT.

However, I know how to write after having drafted hundreds of letters, many many carrier reports, ex parte applications, motions, summary judgment motions, appellate briefs, etc. I am just not worried about my writing skills. I am worried about being too tired to clearly focus. By 3:00, my brain starts turning in circles and I am far less able to focus and write something coherent.

I am down to thinking that simply sitting down, in a non-exigent, panicked way, and looking at some old PTs and some old answers is all I really need to do. That worked really, really well for me in law school. I used to do my outline, study it, get the law all memorized and shrunk down to manageable compartments in my head, and then look at old exams. I could review 5-6 of them and have a good handle on what that professor preferred for style, content, etc.

So, for anonymous who thinks I am not really wanting to pass the exam, I say, nope. You're absolutely wrong. First, I think people who don't pass and then say they didn't really want to be an attorney are saying that to make themselves feel better on at least some level. Sure, there may some validity to working in a law office and realizing that you are not cut out for the job, but the bottom line is this: nobody goes through three years of law school and multiple attempts at the bar exam to be deemed NOT good enough to practice as an attorney.

As for me personally, I was not sure that I wanted to actually be an attorney until after law school when I worked for good and bad attorneys and realized that I really, really, like the job itself. I get to go to work and think, my efforts have an effect on people in the real world (unlike academia, where you get to go and think but it is removed from practical application in many fields), you have flexibility of lifestyle and those with whom you work.... I like research, writing, order and organization, and I like the gamesmanship of figuring out the ways to use a rule/statute to accomplish a goal. In short, the only thing I despise about the law is summarizing medical records. And that just tells me I don't much want to do med mal or P.I. unless it is necessary.

Also to those who say that if you don't pass it's not because you wanted it bad enough, I would say that I guess I agree and disagree at the same time. Do I want to pass- sure. Do I want to pass enough to put my children and my husband on complete hold for an indeterminate length of time? nope. And sure, I did not pass on the first try. I did not pass on the second try (but I came damn close). But I will pass this test eventually, and I know that for sure. I am taking the exam until I pass it, but I am not spending 12 hours per day studying myself into a tizzy anymore to do it. I also don't need to do that anymore. After two study periods, there is not enough to do that I need to spend 12 hours a day. We're not reinventing the wheel, here. Starting from scratch is 12 hours per day. Tweaking and getting back up to speed is not 12 hours per day. It's about 4-6.

So, that's where I am at... now I gotta go get some work done so I can afford food and clothing and shelter and all that good stuff.

Invite...

Um, so I want an invite to read a couple of people's blogs... To both calbarblonde and lastcallatthecaliforniabar, email me at jen@guiltyminds.com and let me read! Come on, I'm staring the third time in the face... I need fellow commiseraters, here! (And I do not write insensitive, obnoxious comments, so there's no danger there.)

Ugh...

So, initially on Friday evening, I of course started hearing from my friends who know friends from my law school, about who passed and who didn't.

On the one hand, I don't really begrudge anyone who has passed the California bar exam. On the other hand, hearing about those who passed just conjured up my feelings of anxiety and failure about having taken it in the past. I managed to feel overwhelming waves of failure even though I didn't take the damn thing in July....

Geez....

But, this evening I notice that Cal Bar None passed.... Congrats! I am so, so happy for you! Also, a woman that is in a similar position to me, who graduated a year before me who I had commiserated with in the past during bar prep, J.W., also finally passed, and I am so, so, SO happy for her. She totally deserves it. Knowing that people I like and was pulling for have passed doesn't make me feel bad about myself.

But my friend A. did not pass, so we will be visiting Sacramento in February together. Rat bastards. Well, I am feeling fortunate that at least I will have someone to have dinner with during the three days. Honestly, I'd rather have to eat by myself and save her the angst and anxiety, but what are you gonna do? It is what it is.

On the other hand... it's the people who I thought were just lazy or downright jerky during law school whose passing on the very first try gets to me. I know it shouldn't, but there's a little part of me that is a baby and feels like if I am a generous and nice person and I didn't pass, where is the justice in them passing.

But I got over it, and now I have registered (no snafus on effing THAT up again) and am working on what I think I need to do to make this my last sit for this stupid stupid STUPID exam that is of course a measure of your true worth as a human being and obviously an excellent measure of what an outstanding attorney you will be.... but at least I'm not bitter or anything. ;)

Alas, I am not yet certain what I need to do.

Memorize, certainly. Done.

Do some essays, yep.

Do a smattering of MBEs, absolutely.

Spend any money on bar prep? Not so sure about that.

I am just not sure spending any money will help. I mean, we are talking eleven points here. That's basically getting back up to speed and maintaining cool, calm, un-exhausted focus on the PTs and I will be there.

So, I am still working on the study plan...

Anyone who has ideas, I am open. Obviously, there will be more on this later...

bar...

Just want to say to all bar applicants who are biting their nails right now awaiting results.... Good Luck to you all and I hope you all NAIL THAT SUCKER.

I'll be eagerly awaiting your posts alerting us to your passage!

News...

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