Screw it. My day has completely sucked, and I think I cried five times... every time I thought about that interview yesterday and breaking the quittin' news to my boss this morning.
I'm opening wine.
Pinot. Definitely Pinot.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Top Chef...
Yup. Almost had a heart attack when Dale (don't even get me started on how lame he is) left the pork belly out all night and they were freaking out about what to do for the third dish.
But, that's my girl, Stephanie! She came up (I guess Dale helped, but he SHOULD, after the way he f'd up) with a fabulous dish to replace it.
And what is up with that Lisa chick? I HATE her. And then her ridiculous, "I know you're bummed Antonia is gone, but you COULD congratulate me." Um, why? Richard said it best, with "Hey, you won a bronze medal. Big deal."
Oh, and can I say how excited I am that Flipping Out is coming back after Top Chef is over? I don't know why, but I watch that show and alternate between laughing out loud and staring in open-mouthed shock every single episode. It's fabulous. If you haven't seen it, you must watch.
But, that's my girl, Stephanie! She came up (I guess Dale helped, but he SHOULD, after the way he f'd up) with a fabulous dish to replace it.
And what is up with that Lisa chick? I HATE her. And then her ridiculous, "I know you're bummed Antonia is gone, but you COULD congratulate me." Um, why? Richard said it best, with "Hey, you won a bronze medal. Big deal."
Oh, and can I say how excited I am that Flipping Out is coming back after Top Chef is over? I don't know why, but I watch that show and alternate between laughing out loud and staring in open-mouthed shock every single episode. It's fabulous. If you haven't seen it, you must watch.
Decisions II...
Well, I did cry today.
Came to work, and as soon as I was able, I went in and gave my notice. After actually saying *IT*... that I just can't do a good job at work and do a good focused job at studying at the same time, I started to cry. Had to go in the bathroom to calm myself down. (Although I've been teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown ever since results, so the waterworks are actually quite delayed in arriving.)
It's admitting the failure. Admitting that I can't do it all. I think that's why it's so hard.
But I also know I can't go through what I went through the last two times yet again. It's mentally exhausting. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, and I don't even know how I did it.
I just can't shake that feeling of "WTF?!" that I got yesterday when the partner was pointing out that I graduated with honors, made law review, was on moot court, where we became mini-celebrities by kicking ass at the competition, clerked at great firms, and now all that's missing is the card.
And thinking that I've gone a year and I'm no better off than I was post-graduation is just depressing. I know in actuality that's not true, because I now have a year of great practical experience, but it feels like everyone else has moved on and I have stayed the same.
So, no more. I'm not going to do the same thing again and expect a different result. That would just be stupid. I'm going to do what I planned on doing last summer before I got caught up in having an actual job and paying the bills. Sure, paying the bills is great, but this summer we're in a financial position to actually take the summer off, so I would be a fool not to.
So that's that.
Came to work, and as soon as I was able, I went in and gave my notice. After actually saying *IT*... that I just can't do a good job at work and do a good focused job at studying at the same time, I started to cry. Had to go in the bathroom to calm myself down. (Although I've been teetering on the edge of an emotional breakdown ever since results, so the waterworks are actually quite delayed in arriving.)
It's admitting the failure. Admitting that I can't do it all. I think that's why it's so hard.
But I also know I can't go through what I went through the last two times yet again. It's mentally exhausting. I'm exhausted just thinking about it, and I don't even know how I did it.
I just can't shake that feeling of "WTF?!" that I got yesterday when the partner was pointing out that I graduated with honors, made law review, was on moot court, where we became mini-celebrities by kicking ass at the competition, clerked at great firms, and now all that's missing is the card.
And thinking that I've gone a year and I'm no better off than I was post-graduation is just depressing. I know in actuality that's not true, because I now have a year of great practical experience, but it feels like everyone else has moved on and I have stayed the same.
So, no more. I'm not going to do the same thing again and expect a different result. That would just be stupid. I'm going to do what I planned on doing last summer before I got caught up in having an actual job and paying the bills. Sure, paying the bills is great, but this summer we're in a financial position to actually take the summer off, so I would be a fool not to.
So that's that.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Decisions...
I almost cried in an interview today.
Well, I should clarify that. I wanted to cry in an interview.
That's never happened before.
So, I applied for this paralegal position. Met with HR lady yesterday. She liked me, and set up an interview today with the partner. Partner asks me a few questions, and then basically stops the interview and tells me he thinks he would be doing me a disservice by hiring me for this job that, while I could certainly do it, I was not cut out for. He said he was interested in hiring me, but as an attorney, not a paralegal. Then he started saying that I didn't go through all of law school, do extracurriculars, get scholarships, do law review, only to be a paralegal.
Ouch. Did my dad just start talking? I think I even said my dad said the same thing.
So, the whole thing went from interview to pseudo-therapy session, where he advised me to do whatever I needed to do to get ready for July, and call him WHEN I passed the bar, not if.
So, that was eye opening. Someone I don't even know is telling me what they think is the best thing to do... definitely brings everything into stark reality.
So, this evening I will be looking at my bank account and trying to figure out if there's any way at all I can make it the next couple of months without a salary. It does help that my salary isn't all that much and half of it gets eaten up by daycare, which would go away if I was at home all day.
Of course then I have to get the okay from the hubby on quitting. Not sure how well that would go over at all.
Well, I should clarify that. I wanted to cry in an interview.
That's never happened before.
So, I applied for this paralegal position. Met with HR lady yesterday. She liked me, and set up an interview today with the partner. Partner asks me a few questions, and then basically stops the interview and tells me he thinks he would be doing me a disservice by hiring me for this job that, while I could certainly do it, I was not cut out for. He said he was interested in hiring me, but as an attorney, not a paralegal. Then he started saying that I didn't go through all of law school, do extracurriculars, get scholarships, do law review, only to be a paralegal.
Ouch. Did my dad just start talking? I think I even said my dad said the same thing.
So, the whole thing went from interview to pseudo-therapy session, where he advised me to do whatever I needed to do to get ready for July, and call him WHEN I passed the bar, not if.
So, that was eye opening. Someone I don't even know is telling me what they think is the best thing to do... definitely brings everything into stark reality.
So, this evening I will be looking at my bank account and trying to figure out if there's any way at all I can make it the next couple of months without a salary. It does help that my salary isn't all that much and half of it gets eaten up by daycare, which would go away if I was at home all day.
Of course then I have to get the okay from the hubby on quitting. Not sure how well that would go over at all.
Monday, June 2, 2008
To Job Or Not To Job...
So, here's my quandry...
I have a job, where I was hired to be an "associate." I was hired pending bar results. The person I replaced was there for thirteen years and had no interest in appearances or signing pleadings. Essentially this person was a paralegal with a JD, even though license was in hand. (I also am basically a paralegal and even though I will be called an associate post-licensing, that simply means a change in title and a very slight raise.)
When I didn't pass, my boss was not pleased, but he's very nice and understanding, kind of like my surrogate dad, and so he supported me in the second time around.
This time, I was not fired for non-passage (I prefer not to use the F word), but I'm concerned that he is thinking about it and I'm really worried the axe will come immediately before the 3 days in July, which will throw me into an emotional tailspin. I should mention that I really believe he is pleased with my work overall and the fact that I have been there a year and learned his quirks is definitely in my favor right now.
So, as a hobby, I apply for jobs. Kind of like the professional version of retail therapy... I think I like the thrill of someone calling me for an interview. "They like me, they really like me!" Definitely an ego boost when this whole year has been one big downer.
I turned down two jobs prior to bar results, thinking there was a good chance I passed and it would be fatalistic to take a paralegal position just because I was afraid of the possibility of not passing.
However now that has not occurred. I didn't pass. So, after applying to every job that shows up in my area that I am even remotely qualified for, I will be interviewing with a very well-respected firm in town- for a litigation paralegal position (which would be full-time rather than the 30 hours per week I work now.)
So, even though initially I got the thrill of "Yay me! They like me enough to talk to me." Now the issue becomes, should I leave? Should I go to full time? Should I settle for the paralegal position? Or, should I say screw it and quit my job cold turkey and study full-time all summer (instead of the wanky part-time studying that I am currently doing) so I can get this crap over with already and get my stupid card.
Something has happened to me over the past year. Somewhere between law student and law school graduate, I lost my decisiveness. I am constantly paralyzed with indecision, having no idea what is the right thing to do.
To job or not to job... and which job... that is the question....
I have a job, where I was hired to be an "associate." I was hired pending bar results. The person I replaced was there for thirteen years and had no interest in appearances or signing pleadings. Essentially this person was a paralegal with a JD, even though license was in hand. (I also am basically a paralegal and even though I will be called an associate post-licensing, that simply means a change in title and a very slight raise.)
When I didn't pass, my boss was not pleased, but he's very nice and understanding, kind of like my surrogate dad, and so he supported me in the second time around.
This time, I was not fired for non-passage (I prefer not to use the F word), but I'm concerned that he is thinking about it and I'm really worried the axe will come immediately before the 3 days in July, which will throw me into an emotional tailspin. I should mention that I really believe he is pleased with my work overall and the fact that I have been there a year and learned his quirks is definitely in my favor right now.
So, as a hobby, I apply for jobs. Kind of like the professional version of retail therapy... I think I like the thrill of someone calling me for an interview. "They like me, they really like me!" Definitely an ego boost when this whole year has been one big downer.
I turned down two jobs prior to bar results, thinking there was a good chance I passed and it would be fatalistic to take a paralegal position just because I was afraid of the possibility of not passing.
However now that has not occurred. I didn't pass. So, after applying to every job that shows up in my area that I am even remotely qualified for, I will be interviewing with a very well-respected firm in town- for a litigation paralegal position (which would be full-time rather than the 30 hours per week I work now.)
So, even though initially I got the thrill of "Yay me! They like me enough to talk to me." Now the issue becomes, should I leave? Should I go to full time? Should I settle for the paralegal position? Or, should I say screw it and quit my job cold turkey and study full-time all summer (instead of the wanky part-time studying that I am currently doing) so I can get this crap over with already and get my stupid card.
Something has happened to me over the past year. Somewhere between law student and law school graduate, I lost my decisiveness. I am constantly paralyzed with indecision, having no idea what is the right thing to do.
To job or not to job... and which job... that is the question....
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